


Until the end of time

by JareXXDoll



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Action & Romance, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Jared Padalecki, Bottom Jensen Ackles, Dark, Depressed Jared Padalecki, Emotional Baggage, Human Trafficking, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Older Jared Padalecki, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Aftermath, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Top Jared Padalecki, Tragedy, U.S. Navy SEALs, Violence, Young Jensen Ackles, jared padalecki is mean machine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:54:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 31,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25185970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JareXXDoll/pseuds/JareXXDoll
Summary: Jared Padalecki a burnt-out, life-weary ex-Navy Seal.He expects very little from life and retreats to the north of Alaska to find peace.But life still has a surprise in store for him... something to get him out of his lethargy.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 72
Kudos: 149





	1. Amarok

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a translation from the German original, posted on FF.de. User "Ferdinand".  
> That´s also me. 
> 
> I know that this is not a perfect English and I apologize in advance for any mistakes. 
> 
> But I hope that the reading flow is okay so that everyone can read and understand it. 
> 
> Sidenote 1: The first chapter is short. Don´t worry. I´ll just want to look, if there are any readers interested at all. 
> 
> Sidenote 2: An Amarok, or Amaroq, is a gigantic wolf in Inuit mythology, said to stalk and devour any person foolish enough to hunt alone at night. Unlike wolves who hunt in packs, amaroks hunt alone.  
> (Copied from Wikipedia)

When the sun has done its work, when the clouds are bathed in deep black and the moon forms a tent of night with the stars, the time of the Amarok has come. Deep in the woods he roams around in search of those who dare to face their fears.

Deep scars clothed him, marked by years of struggle for a land he no longer knew. Here in northern Alaska, where there was only wind and cold, he had retired. He had left behind the war, the terror, the killing. Burned out like a candle whose wick was covered with the last remnants of the hot wax. An ex-Navy Seal who hoped to find peace here, if he just turned the wheel of his revolver often enough and finally get hit with a bullet.

He had escaped before he suffocated and had built himself a small hut in the middle of the dense woods, which protected him from the cold, from the Amarok, which called for him every night. But the wind carried his call away and Jared Padalecki closed his eyes before the last log turned to ashes.

He had lost everything he ever cared about, his little brother as well as his team fell in the battle, and he should’ve been the one the bullets hit, but his time had not yet come. He was like a lone wolf searching for the end of time, his time. Where the call of the wolf silenced the clocks. A part of him died with his brothers and the other part, still trapped in the here and now, longed to be freed. A freedom that would bring him eternal peace. 

He packed up his few belongings at around 5am and left just before dawn. The Bering Sea now became a part of him, always hunting for the king crabs. He loved this job as much as he loved being a Navy Seal, maybe because they were so similar. Life and death were as close together here. He hunted and killed, he fought the Bering Sea that was relentless and never gave up without a fight.

Cordova, a small town on the coast with about 2,200 residents was a two hour walk from Jared's hut. He arrived there at about 7am and saw the fishing boat lying in the harbor from afar, so calmly and patiently waiting for the men it carried. 

It was his Malachite, as green and shining as copper green. It’s said that Malachite strengthens the heart, perhaps this was the reason why Jared wanted this boat so badly.

Four more men came on board, including Chris Walker, who everyone just called Wally. Each of them had great respect for their Captain Jared, who usually barely spoke a word, so Wally gave him only a benevolent nod of his head.

The Malachite left after half an hour and the harbour of the small town of Cordova became smaller and smaller and finally disappeared on the blue horizon. The weather was good, it was freezing cold, but calm.  
But this was only the calm before the storm.

The baskets were laid out; they struggled with the storm, the sea and the icy rain that whipped in their faces. They stayed outside for a week and the catch was good. Their bones ached, their skin was rough, but they’d won the fight again.

This job was considered one of the hardest in the world, but for Jared it was worse to wake up every day and find that the hands of the clock were still turning.  
Jared, who held the rudder firmly in his hand like his rifle in battle, looked down at his men. He had always been a leader, an Alpha who gave the orders, leading them through hell and back again. Over stony hills, over ravines, over ice and fire. Now he led them across the Bering Sea, which he never underestimated, but faced it with pride and awe.


	2. Anchor

The waves were roaring high; the men had trouble standing on their feet and were hauling the heavy baskets on deck. Wally gave him the number of crabs by radio and they were good numbers, already they had taken more after three days, as Jared had set as his goal.

The next two days flew by as if the storm was driving the time and between the seconds only short memories remained, which the Bering Sea devoured.

Jared carefully led the Malachite back into port and paid off his men. The session was over and he was afraid to stop, for then his thoughts turned back to what had been taken from him.

He’d long since lost his faith in God, the scenario of what had happened at war burned into his brain, leaving cracks in his heart and scratches on his soul. He had tried to repair it, but it was just a collector's item, something to be exhibited in the Navy Museum.

He arrived at his cabin and opened the door that greeted him with a groan. He stopped for a moment and looked inside with an empty gaze.  
The interior was cold and unadorned. He had never bothered to make it homely. Most of the objects simply served their purpose.  
The only exceptions were the old rocking chair that Mr. Miller, a veteran, had given to him as a gift, the old chest of Mrs. Wolters in which he kept some souvenirs and personal belongings, like his medals, or photos from the time when everything was still in order. As well as the wall clock, which showed him again and again that the wheel kept turning, incessantly. They were all things that meant nothing to him and yet they belonged to him.

The silence had become his companion while his heart was beating at its limit. He felt like a train running on old rails, but the switches had just been reset, which made Jared hold up and listen. He turned around and looked into the forest. The hunting session hadn't started yet, he knew that, but he heard shots.

The long-haired man took his rifle from the wall, a McMillian TAC-50, his sniper that would follow him through all the tides. Black as night, accurate and ultimately deadly. Light snowflakes fell from the clouds like cocaine passed through the wind. Some of them stuck to his face and turned into small water pearls that ran down his skin like tears.

The tops of the Sitka spruces swayed back and forth with the wind, stable and imposing, they remained on one spot of this earth all their lives. The ever-recurring echo of the shots gave Jared direction. It had been his territory for a year; he knew every stone, every corner and every spruce.

Muffled voices could be heard whose words he could not interpret. Three figures, darkly dressed and armed, peeled themselves out of the thicket 150 meters ahead of him.  
They weren't hunters.  
They weren't hunting an animal.

Just as he was about to follow them, he noticed a rustling from the left. He had already seen a lot, too much. Children with severed limbs, mothers holding their dead babies screaming and crying in their arms. This kid, his big green eyes blinking at him in fear. Wedged like a terrified animal into a tiny spot. Only the stump of a tree eaten by beetles and the seasons seemed to offer him protection, but the trembling of his battered bones was clearly visible. Whatever this boy had been through, Jared had to help him. Lithely, he slowly went down on his knees and approached the stranger.

He put a finger on the trembling blue lips, "Shhh!"  
Hot breath streamed from the slightly opened mouth, but no sound came out of it.  
A silent, single tear detached itself from long clumped eyelashes and ran across a mangled bloody and dirty face. 

That sight was all he needed to decide.  
Jared placed the barrel of his sniper on a large gray stone that shimmered green in places, lightly clothed in moss. As in battle, he looked through the scope and took a deep breath in and out as he grabbed his prey and with his last breath he paused and pulled the trigger. He was one with the weapon in his hand that had never let him down.

Afterwards, his gaze wandered back to the tree stump that served as a fortress for the boy.

He no longer trembled, his eyelids laid over the green of his eyes and Jared carefully pulled him out of his hiding spot. He felt every bone, every rib, and every bruise that marked the young body. Gently he put him down and took off his jacket that had been through quite a lot but was still doing its job.

Jared lifted him slightly to put the jacket over his shoulders. He felt a thin layer of sweat, which made the skin clammy and cold. His movements were gentle and careful, as the body felt as if it could break.

His face was hardly recognizable. Blood had merged with dirt, and snot, only he could not hide the green eyes, which were still closed.

He was not wearing any shoes and Jared noticed abrasions on his ankles next to the bloody and cracked soles of his feet. His skin had tried to renew itself, as could be seen from the crusts that had formed, but new wounds had been inflicted that still seemed quite fresh. His wrists presented the same picture. There was a leather collar around his neck and Jared slowly realized what had happened here, even if he didn't want to believe it.

Jared swung the rifle over his shoulder, looked around again and stood up. He bent down, reached under the back of the knobbly knees and around a narrow back, and lifted the emaciated body almost reverently into his strong arms. Let him slide against his upper body so that the boy's head would rest in the niche between his upper arm and chest and not bend backwards. He didn't want to cause him any more pain when he heard the Amarok calling out for him. "Yes...but not today," he whispered.

Now life had turned the wheel for Jared without him knowing it. Like a hail of bombs, this boy crashed into his life. He would become his lifeboat that would pull him out of the swamps of the past. All sails were set and wherever the wind would take him, from now on there was one anchor in Jared's life.


	3. Little Feather

This boy felt like a feather in Jared's arms and he was afraid that the storm that came up would tear him from his hands. The spruces cracked and crunched around them, but they remained firmly anchored to the ground.

Snowflakes danced around his body as if they wanted to give him cover. For the first time in a long while, Jared fought again, the first time nothing could stop him, not even himself. He would not surrender, no matter what noise this world made.

His feet were cold and his toes felt as if they had died, his skin ached from the storm's blows, his long hair stuck to his face, and his hands clung tightly to his old dark green jacket with scattered feathers sticking out of it. But it warmed the small package in his arms. Even if all the dams in the world broke, Jared would not let go of him.  
When he looked down, all he could see was a mop of wet hair, nestled against his collarbone. Pale face hidden inside the jacket. 

He pushed open the door with his half-frozen foot and pushed the rocking chair aside with the other. It was just a hut of worthless things, but it protected Jared, and from now on it would protect this boy as well. He knelt down with one leg and put his feather on the old mattress.

Outside, the storm whistled a song and he quickly closed the door, picked up a log and lit a fire. His hazel eyes wandered over the blond boy's body and a soft sigh escaped his throat.

He had to take off his soaked and torn clothes and with every piece of cloth he took off from his body Jared screamed inside, his heart was still in the right place, he felt the pain, the anger, the helplessness. The skinny arms that looked more like matches dangled down as lifelessly as Jay lifted them with his paw-like hands. His collarbone stuck out like the blade of a knife. Haggard, emaciated and worn down to the limits of life. Skin shaped like paper.

Between the seconds his gaze wandered further and further, a large gash gaped at his right breast, his nipple had been cut out. Jared swallowed. His blood froze as he pulled the torn jeans from his loins, pointed hip bones sticking out as well as his collarbones. His legs were like a puzzle with pieces missing. To stop the bleeding, he had been burned, branded like a piece of cattle.

He needed bandages and needles and thread. The Navy Seal, walked over to the chest and opened it. The hinges rubbed against the rusted screws and a faint noise resembling a stray cry was heard.

A light veil still lay before his gaze, which slowly disappeared with each blink. He froze, he was in pain, he was afraid and he didn't know where he was. But all this belonged to his life, like the stars to the moon, like death to life. He danced over minefields every day, hoping to take the wrong step that would be the right and final one for him.

His green eyes crept through a forgein cabin until they caught on this big guy. "Hey! You're awake!" Jared stepped in front of the fire that bathed him in a warm glowing light, like a torch.

"I have to tend to your wounds," he took a step that triggered an escape reflex in the boy. But the escape was only short-lived, for where was he to go? He pressed his body, petrified with terror, against the wooden wall behind him and looked at him in fear, blinded like a deer by the headlights.

Jared bit slightly on his lower lip and sat down in the rocking chair. That cracked slightly under his muscle-packed body, "I'm Jared and what's your name?” he didn't really expect an answer. "I'll just call you little feather," he gave the frightened boy a light smile. "You don't have to say anything, okay? But that one," he pointed to the gaping cut on his chest, "that needs stitches, may I?”

The long-haired man waited a moment and watched the boy who reached for the blanket and pulled it over him like a tent, "I guess that means no. I don't want to hurt you, if I don't sew this, it will get infected and it will hurt even more than it does now. I know you are very afraid, but I promise you, I won't do anything you don't want to do," he stood up slowly and the boy crawled to the end of the mattress.

Jared looked after him and raised an eyebrow, "All right, you won," he put the first-aid kit in front of him, "There's some disinfectant in there and things to bandage it up, I'll make you something to eat and some tea," he went to the old stove that was still heated with wood.

An unsettled look from eyes like malachite led to the door and back to the man he didn't know what he was going to do to him. Blood crusts mixed with the soil of the forest he had fled to covered his pretty face. He didn't want to end up with his face in the dirt again and tried to stand up quietly, but the springs of the old mattress betrayed him.

The Seals Lieutenant, without looking around, took a cup from the cupboard and his dark but calm voice sounded, "the door is open, you can go wherever you want, I won't stop you, but I won't look for you either. It's up to you whether you prefer to spend the night with the bears and the wolves, not to mention the storm and the snow. You're not wearing anything, you're hurt, if you're lucky the bears and wolves will find you before you freeze to death, or ...", the old kettle's whistle sounded, "you stay!", Jared turned around with the tea in his hand.

Tears formed and the glow of the green eyes shimmered out, like crystals shining at Jared. The latter walked a few steps towards him, bent down, put the cup of hot tea down in front of the mattress and sat down in the rocking chair again.

Hesitantly the boy bent forward after a few seconds and looked again at the grizzly bouncing up and down in this old chair like in slow motion. Finally he grabbed the cup with his bony fingers, which was as imperfect as he was. He had given up so often, yearning for death, longing so much for redemption, but still his body wouldn't give up.

His little soul buried under a thousand black roses, but there was still a red rose shining out between them. As red as his blood that ran through his veins and kept his heart alive.

It took a few minutes for the drug Jared had put in his tea to take effect. The boy's head grew heavy, like the burden he had carried for years until he fell into a deep, peaceful sleep.  
Jared got up and laid him down on his back on the mattress and, looking at him once more, "I'm sorry," he was now able to tend to his wounds. He handled his skin gently, as if it were parchment dipped in purple tones. The needle pricked through and pulled the thread behind him as the smoke in his lungs drew Jared straight in as he sat back in the rocking chair with a cigarette in his hand.

This boy was like a little dot in the galaxy, a miracle. Jared realized that everything would change, that he was in the right place at the right time. He wasn't thinking about tomorrow, he wasn't thinking now about what might come, what would happen. He just enjoyed having saved a life, for a long time. He had almost forgotten this feeling and today it came back. Like a hurricane out of nowhere and he was right in the middle of it, in the eye of the hurricane that was pulling him further and further in.

He took a big sip of the liquid gold from the whiskey bottle and sent the little Fluoxetine* pill in his mouth again on a journey that should make him forget.

At night he heard the shots, the screams most clearly. When the black settled over the wilderness, and only the bombs falling down on him like hail could be heard. The voices of his brothers, torn apart by the shrapnel and the force of the shells. Sweat mixed with blood and clouded his vision until the rain came and the Chinook carried him home, without his brothers who had fallen for him.

The only easy day was yesterday!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A better known name for *Fluoxetine is Prozac. It is mainly used as an antidepressant.  
> Many soldiers were prescribed to use it because it should also help with stuff like PTSD= post-traumatic stress disorder,   
> but also against many other mental disorders.  
> As with many drugs of this kind, there are many side effects.


	4. My name is...

The sun's rays pierced through the window like lightsabers and the boy blinked at her blinded a few times. Had he just fallen asleep? He couldn't remember anything. Maybe it was better that way, he thought and his gaze wandered down his body.  
He saw that his wounds had been dressed but something was missing. He found what he was looking for in the hand of the stranger, his leather collar, which he had been wearing for so long that he couldn't remember when the first day and the last day of his life was. He looked at the man with the long brown hair, who slept in this old rocking chair and it looked as if he was one with him.  
Again his gaze wandered to the door.  
Would it bring him freedom?  
Would he be able to go home again?  
Where was his home?  
He didn't even know who he was, he only knew his first name, Jensen. Memories of his childhood were surrounded by fog that grew thicker and thicker, making the vision of redemption impossible.  
Had he had a swing in the garden? A sandbox with colorful shapes so he could build a castle? He would have built one, one with a drawbridge that he would pull up if anyone came too close. He didn't miss anything, because you can only miss what you know.  
A hummingbird sat outside on the windowsill and Jensen watched him with fascination. It was cleaning his wings, which could carry it anywhere. How much he wished he could fly away with the small bird, but his wings were taken away from him a long time ago.

Again he looked at this man who had brought him here. A long strand of hair had gotten lost on his face and half covered the scar on his right temple. Dark stubble covered his mouth and chin. He remembered the scratchy feeling such a face would bring and a cold shiver ran down his back, which he tried to ignore.

A spring jumped as he dared to move even a millimeter and Jared opened his hazel eyes in shock and stared blankly at the boy. A faint grumble escaped his dry throat and his right paw rubbed across his eyes, down over his three-day beard and blinked at him.  
Jensen froze immediately and his heart beat so fast that he thought it would pop out of his chest at any moment.

"Good morning little feather," it came from the lieutenant, whose deep voice sounded scratchy at every word.

"I had to do it, I had to tend to your wounds, so I put something in your tea, sorry". He lifted the leather collar in his hand slightly, "I won't ask any questions, and I’ll just get up now and make some coffee, like every morning". He lifted himself slightly dazed out of his chair, which kept rocking without him, and Jensen looked at him with a queasy feeling.

Jared left him alone, he didn't want him to feel crowded and went out the back door while Jensen continued to wrap himself in the blanket that couldn't protect him either. After a while the big guy came back in and poured two cups of coffee, which wrapped the whole cabin in a pleasant smell. 

He did the same as yesterday, but this time he put both cups on the floor. "I suppose there's no point in me telling you that there's nothing in it this time, so...take your pick," he took a seat in the rocking chair again.

Jensen hesitated, but it smelled so good and the fire that had warmed him at night didn't burn as it did yesterday. He finally decided on the cup, which was scratched and you couldn't tell which picture it once carried. It had a few chipped spots on the top rim, something that could not be repaired, just like Jensen's own. Time gnawed at her, as it did at him, used a hundred times, done its job, worn out, and the shine of the untouched disappeared.  
He watched the reaction of the stranger who grabbed the other cup and took a big sip of the hot drink as if it was the last time. Jensen put his hands around the old scratched porcelain and he felt the blood in his fingers flowing warmly through his veins. Skeptically, he waited a moment longer until he finally overcame himself and sipped on it as well.

Jared didn't say a word and the time went on without being asked. He just bobbed up and down and looked at this boy who just came into his life and he didn't know where he came from. But it didn't matter to him, because he was there and that's what counted at that very moment. He listened to the ticking of the clock that followed him, like his shadow that he lost in the last fight, buried under the lifeless bodies of his brothers. 

Seconds, minutes passed and the lieutenant broke the silence after a while. "The weather is good today," he stood up. "I've drawn you a bath, the tub is outside. I know it "is not exactly luxurious here, but the essentials are there. Besides, I've laid out some things for you, they belonged to my brother".

Jared reached for his old green jacket and took the rifle which he swung over his shoulder, "I'm going to go hunting and be back in about two hours..." he stopped briefly as he opened the door and looked back at the little feather again, "I'm not keeping you here, you're free, you can go wherever you want, it's your decision, anyway...I'd be glad if you're still here when I get back," he finally closed the door behind him and left the boy alone.

Jay pulled the collar of the jacket higher. The storm had died down and last night's snow had buried the green of the forest beneath it. Through the sun the cold white splendor shone like a hundred thousand crystals. It crunched under his feet, step by step he left traces that reminded him that his body was still there, the last remainder of him. A shell that he carried with him, that grew heavier day by day.

Jensen slowly stood up and everything inside him hurt unbearably. He crept to the window and could barely see the grizzly before he disappeared between the big spruces, like a ghost. He actually left him alone, why? Was it a trap? A game? If so, he didn't understand this game, maybe he didn't have to. He had stopped asking questions at some point, because there was never an answer.

For a short time he rubbed himself trembling over his pale skin and trudged silently through the cabin and found the clothes the man had been talking about. A blue pair of jeans, a T-shirt on which was a golden eagle with an anchor, a trident and a pistol, which he held in his claws. He did not know this symbol, but he thought it was beautiful. There was also a thick, soft sweater and a pair of warming socks, which, judging by their size, probably belonged to the grizzly.

He saw steam rising from outside and went closer to the door, which had a small window inside, and saw the tub. Here time seemed to stand still. There was no electricity and he didn't see a telephone anywhere. The old bathtub was heated with wood like everything else.

Jensen didn't know if it was good to bathe, if it was good to wash the dirt off himself. Maybe it was good the way it was, full of dried blood and dirt. What if that is what the stranger wanted? What if he was hurting him then, just like all the others? His mind was like a pack of wolves circling their prey. He closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath in and out, the tub was too tempting and finally he pushed all his concerns aside and went outside.  
A bar of soap lay on a towel, which was folded correctly. With his hand he checked if the water was not too hot and went in carefully. This feeling that enchanted him was indescribable. Like a warm tide, the water lay gently over his body, which cried out to be freed.

Clouds moved in front of the sun and covered the gold of the sky. Lightly it started snowing again and small snowflakes got lost on his face, which more and more appeared. It was as if they wanted to help him. They managed to make Jensen smile invisibly and for the first time in far too long he could see it. He saw life as it could be, maybe for him, too. A small spark of hope just popped into his heart like a stray comet.

Jared found the remains of the men he killed yesterday. It was his loot, yet he left it to the residents of boundless northern Alaska. He searched for identification or anything that would implicate him, but found nothing. Last night had carried away and buried the lives of the three dead men. From his backpack, he pulled the boy's torn and bloodstained clothes and leather collar and distributed them all around the area.

In his view he just saw a rabbit jumping over the snow, unsuspectingly looking for food. Jared twisted his mouth and took the rifle from his shoulder, took aim at the animal and fired. It only took him a few steps to reach the rabbit. The snow around him was drenched in blood-red and he knelt down to him, "sorry Thumper!", grabbed the rabbit and finally made his way home.

Jensen would have loved to stay in this tub forever, just submerged, but slowly the warmth of the water was fading. He got out and grabbed the towel that he tied around his bony hips and went quickly inside. The jeans were much too big for him, they slipped down again and again. He put the shirt on first and the sweater over it. He could have stuck his head into the socks, they were so big, but he pulled them over his feet anyway, it was better than nothing.

He noticed the chest and bit his chapped lips slightly, but his curiosity was greater and he opened it. A creaking opened his eyes to the countless medals. He took out the medal with the light blue ribbon and looked at it extensively. It was an eagle again and above it was written "Courage".

The door opened and a light air stream passed through the small wooden hut. Jensen immediately dropped the medal in fright and stared at the man in awe.

"You can have it, it means nothing to me," Jared put down his rifle and rabbit before taking off his shoes. Jensen didn't notice that his trousers were slipping and Jay turned around, took the rope that was hanging from a hook and threw it to him.

The boy did not react and the rope fell to the ground in front of him. He tugged the jeans back over his waist and picked up the rope quickly. "We have to work on your reaction. I hope you like roasted hare," Jared took the killed animal and walked towards Jensen. Jensen reacted as usual and fled into the next corner. "Take it easy, okay?!", Jared walked over to the small kitchenette.

He grabbed the whiskey bottle and sat down in his rocking chair again. Jared stared at the kid who stood there terrified, silent and trembling. "There was actually a face hiding under all that dirt," he smiled as his eyes wandered further down. He had to smile when he saw the socks, but said nothing about it. The tall one was glad that his little feather was still there. He could not explain it to himself, but it was so.  
"Do you know what kind of medal this is?", Jared asked and started rocking on the rocking chair, calmly and serenely he told him, "you get it for conspicuous heroism, I was in the Navy...Lieutenant Jared Padalecki...", he sighed briefly, "it's been a long time, at least for me. Conspicuous by bravery and fruitlessness at the risk of his life, far beyond the call of duty, in battle against an enemy of the United States," escaped Jared's throat with a quiet, almost mocking laugh.

"I am not a hero, I never wanted to be one, I only ever wanted to stand by my brothers in battle, and I wanted to die for them. I realized something today, little feather, ships don't sink because of the water around them, they sink because of the water that goes into their insides...", Jared raised his head and his hazel eyes sparkled painfully at the boy, "don't let everything that happens around you go into your insides and pull you down, understand? Jesus Christ! I don't even know if you understand me at all," he raised himself again, melancholic and with a soft groan, when the boy's voice sounded, "Jensen! My name is...Jensen".

At that moment a smile wrapped itself around Jared's heart, he had almost forgotten this feeling, how it was to feel joy. He had done it, he had managed to tear down a piece of the wall and he nodded, "Good! Little Feather Jensen," he grinned and without another word he devoted himself to the rabbit.

Jensen's gaze wandered after him and he sat back down on the old mattress and watched the man who raised more questions in him than any human being had ever done before. Maybe his questions would finally be answered now, questions about why, questions about the meaning, questions he never dared to ask.   
But Jensen had long since lost his trust, perhaps it was just a word without meaning. 

He would just sit here, without a plan, he would just breathe and let things run their course.


	5. The first seed

They were both the same empty shell, searching for the end of time. They were just little pale dots on the blue planet that continued to rotate in a selfish way. There was no button you could press to take a breath, to take a short break from life.  
  
The lieutenant took the rabbit out of the stove, which smelled wonderful, who had sacrificed himself for them, whether he wanted to or not. Just like Jared who smelled the meat. The soft pink of his skin had disappeared and his memories were suddenly so present again that he breathed heavily, gasped for breath and leaned on the countertop with his big hands, looking for a hold. Everything was spinning as if the world was circling around him and he was there again.

  
  
**September 6, 2019, Bangladesh, Seal Team 5 mission.**  
  
Hundreds of bullets above their heads, grenades hitting next to them like a wrecking ball into an old building that had to make way. Like floggings on his skin, he heard the screams of his brothers behind him.  
  
They were Frogmen, they were heroes and heroes didn't die. But Batman, Superman and Captain America were just characters in a world that didn't exist. They were just soldiers who served to strengthen the frontlines, to build a wall of flesh and blood. ...against terror, violence and death.  
  
People became soldiers and soldiers became a grain of sand that was swept away by the tide.

"Jay? Jared? M´ don´t wanna die!" sounded the voice of his brother Jake, drowned in blood. How he would have loved to tell him that everything would be all right while he held his torn body in his arms and watched the light in his eyes slowly fade into nothingness. He released his gaze that silently wandered over his men whose limbs lay in the dust of Bangladesh.

  
  
Close to unconsciousness his fingers clawed into the old pine wood of the countertop and his stare, the imprisonment in his tormenting memory made his body shake, his heart race and his thoughts of having failed were omnipresent again. He wanted to beat this pain out through his throat, but it tightened. Breathing became increasingly difficult and he felt like he was suffocating under the bodies of his brothers, his baby brother Jake, who watched him wait for the hand of the clock to stop moving.  
  
Jared could hear them calling him, begging him to hold them. That he protected them from the storm that was coming, took the grains of sand in his big strong hands and held them.  
Life knocked him down and he sank to his knees as his eyes released from rigor and tears bounced off the old beams of the cabin like the grenades that had taken everything he had ever loved, everything he had lived for.

  
  
A cold shiver came over Jensen, had he done something wrong? How much would it hurt? Would it be the last time he would feel anything? Would he finally sleep forever? He hoped so and clung to the blanket like a frightened monkey that he pulled tightly around his body.

He closed his green eyes briefly, sighed inwardly and stood up quietly. He loosened the rope and pulled it out of the loops of the jeans. The much too big socks fell off his bony feet by themselves and the sweater he pulled over his head, his blond hair electrified and a soft crackling could be heard. He found the shirt with the golden eagle very beautiful and stroked the badge with his finger once more before he freed it from his body as well.  
  
His little feet, only half as big as the stranger's, walked step by step towards the lieutenant.

  
  
Jared's body was like a fortress that could withstand every enemy, every storm and every flood. He was like the rock on which the ship shattered. The shore not far away, within reach and yet inaccessible, no matter how hard he had tried to protect it.  
  
He awoke from his nightmare only hesitantly, maybe he was afraid that the grains of sand were blown away from his memory and never came back. He didn't want to forget them if he couldn't protect them, but the crunch he suddenly heard behind him made him cringe and he turned around in horror.  
  
His eyes fell on the body of the kid, which was not as God had made it, the devil had allowed himself to leave his mark on the little feather. The lieutenant pulled himself up and small beads of sweat ran over his body, like in the September battle.  
  
Green eyes glistened at Jared and soft syllables sounded over the boy's chapped lips, "do it," he lowered his eyes. Jared frowned, "what should I do?".  
  
Jensen moved closer to him and stopped just before him, grabbed Jared's hand and placed it on his youthful hairless chest. Jared was terrified and now it was him who wanted to flee. He immediately pulled his hand away from the boy, "what are you doing?" he shook his head slightly, "put your clothes back on!"  
  
Jensen found it almost worse to wait, to be in fear hour after hour. He wanted it to be over, to do whatever he wanted with him and then throw him away like an empty package that was only beautiful, that made the customer believe that the contents were special. The inside was like his soul being taken apart piece by piece, abused, and finally left behind only a fraction, just enough to exist.  
  
"You should get dressed! Now!" Jared's dark voice became more dominant in his expression.  
  
Again he would have to wait, again he would just keep breathing and he would reach for the clothes that didn't belong to him and get dressed as the grizzly told him to.  
  
Jared closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath and sat down in the rocking chair. He looked at Jensen, who kept his head down. "I don't want anything from you Jensen, I don't want to hurt you, I just want you to be safe, I want to help you, you understand? I'm not your enemy, I'm not your friend, but maybe something in between? Let me tell you something, winter is long in Alaska and it's only just beginning. Stay here until spring comes, I'm not going to push you into anything, you don't have to talk or do anything, just stay here and wait for the snow to melt".  
  
Jensen slowly raised his head and blinked against the sun. A slight nod was visible, whether he did it because Jared expected it that way or whether he did it of his own free will remained hidden from him.  
  
"Good!", Jared stood up and opened the pillbox with a short pop. The whiskey did the rest and crawled down his throat like hot lava. He prepared two plates and it became a ritual to give the boy a choice, because apparently he had never had a choice.  
  
Jensen took one of the offered plates, grabbed the knife directly and quickly hid it behind his back. Jared watched him, "I promise you, you will never have to use it," he left it there and put the second plate on his legs.  
  
It had been far too long since Jensen had eaten meat and he couldn't remember its taste. With his hands he reached for it and pulled off a piece from the bone.

Jared became more and more aware that this was not the hunger that allowed Jensen to attack his prey like a wolf, but that he was trained to live like an animal, to exist like a dog without self-respect and to obey those who looked down on him from above. Basically Jensen was no different from himself, both were trained to function, to follow orders without questioning them.  
  
Their souls were locked behind cold iron and there was no one to free them, no one to understand them and hear their silent screams. Secretly, Jared wished that Jensen would use the knife, that he would free him from this icy dungeon of memories. But he knew this would not happen because this boy was even more afraid of life than he was.  
  
Once again, he felt as if he had failed. He should have let this kid die, given him his freedom. Jared wanted forgiveness even more than death, which had been waiting far too long. But now it was too late for forgiveness. Now he sat before him, grinding the flesh between his teeth to appease his hunger.  
  
Where was the fire that raged in Jared when he was proud to serve his country? The longer he watched and almost inspected the little feather, the more he became aware that it would be Jensen, the spark that rekindled the fire within him. Was that hope? Was Jensen his answer to hope he had never sought?  
  
"I need to check your wounds, I need to redress them," Jared expected Jensen to refuse, but he did not. He put down the plate with the leftover bones and let Jared know that it was okay and stripped his upper body. He simply followed the orders of his new owner, as he always did.  
  
Jared knelt down in front of him on the mattress and carefully removed the bandage from his narrow chest. Stitches were pulled through the youthfully soft skin and Jared carefully disinfected it. Jensen flinched slightly as the medicine burned briefly. " Sorry! It's already over," the soft, dark voice of the seal sounded. "I think in a few days, I can pull the stitches out, it's healing well," he re-bandaged Jensen's chest.  
  
The blond boy let him do it. It wasn't the pain or the shame that allowed a tear to fall, it was something else, something he didn't know. Pain was the most normal thing in the world for him and it was worse for him to be reminded by the pain that he was still alive, that his heart was still beating, than the pain itself. His existence so far was like a paved road with hundreds of people walking up and down it every day. But on this street no flowers grew, nothing living and real could exist and prosper there. The feeling of what he didn't know was just planted the first seed and he looked into Jared's distinctive face.  
  
The Lieutenant noticed the tear that ran across that pretty face as if lost, "as long as you are here no one will ever hurt you again, I promise". Jensen wasn't a grain of sand, he was just a delicate little feather, and if the storm came back over him, Jared would hold her, protecting and warming her in his hands until the storm cleared.


	6. The Exile

Jared was just waiting for someone to say, 'Cast off the mooring lines,' but even in the last two weeks the time went on and on. He left Jensen in peace and gave him the air he needed to breathe.  
  
They were in the middle of Alaska's winter wonderland. Jared had gotten him clothes from the city, made sure he got something warm to eat every day and the fire never went out.  
  
Jensen stood with his Navy shirt that he didn't want to take off in front of the small window and watched the grizzly chopping the log in two with his axe. It looked to him as if it didn't cost him any strength, like a piece of butter melting between the sharp steel.  
  
His green eyes wandered down to his right hand, which clasped the knife. He had never had to use it, as Jared predicted. Slowly he went to the kitchen counter and opened the drawer that was a bit stuck and put it back. But the drawer refused to close vehemently and Jensen hissed, "come on now!", he pressed firmly against it and the small round wooden handle gave way with a crack and broke off. It rolled over the old wooden floor and stopped at Jared's feet.  
  
A race between his heart and his thoughts began and Jensen froze. "The damn thing breaks off every time, it's no biggy," the Lieutenant picked it up and threw it to the flames that danced in front of him as if to say thank you.  
"I'm sorry!" it came reverently from the boy's throat.  
  
  
Jared turned to him, "you don't have to apologize, I don't know why I fixed this piece of crap every time," he scratched his head and took a short deep breath, "you must be bored, huh? Wait!" he went to the chest and rummaged around in it. "Here! Uncle Tom's cabin! I hope you haven't read this book, it was my brother Jake's. Otherwise I'd still have Navy ordnance training on offer," grinned Jared.  
  
Jensen looked at him questioningly.  
"What? Just take it!" Jared handed him the book.  
  
A little hesitantly, Jensen reached out his hand and finally took the old book. There was a picture in front, and he looked at it extensively. The cabin looked almost like this one, it was made of wood and it was just as small. There were people with dark skin in the middle of a field. He finally opened it and lowered his pretty blonde mop of hair in distress.  
  
"I'll read to you if you want," he suspected that Jensen couldn't read. The lieutenant sat down in the rocking chair and Jensen sat down on the mattress with the book and put it on the floor. Jared smiled slightly and took it into his big hands, which were marked by hard work. They were rough and bruised, small and large scratches were visible on his skin, like stigmas they never seemed to disappear.  
  
His voice was like a song to Jensen from far away. It was as soothing as the fire he looked over to and sank into the flames as Jared turned the pages and read on.  
  
"I get the mothers out of the way;- out of sight, out of mind, you know, and when it has happened and nothing can be changed, they get used to it. If the Negroes are raised properly, they don't expect to keep their children. That's why they get over it easily."   
  
The lieutenant paused, looked at the boy and he noticed the tears. With a bend at the top of the book page he marked the place where they had stopped and closed it quietly. Maybe he would have done better in weapons science after all, Jared thought for a moment and knelt down in front of the mattress.

How he would have liked to tell him, that it was only a story, but it was reality, still. "I'm sorry, whatever happened to you, little feather. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. The world is a cruel place and if we're not careful, it drags us down to the darkest corners. But there's another side, you just have to look carefully. You have your whole life ahead of you, there is so much to discover, you just have to 'open the door". It sounded almost unreal, these words that rang out of Jared's throat, for he had closed the door long ago behind him and locked it with a thick lock, but this boy needed hope and he wanted to give it to him so badly. They were both just on the wrong side of heaven.  
  
Jensen turned to him and blinked at him with a clouded look. His eyelashes were wet with tears and his lips, which were slowly coming back to life, trembled slightly, "I want to read it myself, sir!"  
  
Jared gave him a light smile and nodded softly, "Good! We have enough time, the winter is long. May I sit with you?" Jensen moved a bit aside, which for Jared was a yes and a sign of trust. He put his finger between the pages and opened the book.  
  
With patience and a calm voice, Jared explained the language of the world to him and Jensen opened up more and more as the book held Jared in his hands. Page after page, he opened the door and let life in in quiet steps.  
  
Jensen's little soul was like the sea, if you throw a stone into it, it gets restless and there are waves. But after a while she calmed down again and she became very quiet, but the stone remained on the bottom forever.  
  
The blond boy had decided to turn the pages and not to close the book and more and more often his tender whispering voice sounded through the small cabin. He gained confidence, for the first time in a long time. He accepted today, let yesterday go and trusted tomorrow.  
  
It was the beginning of January and Jared came out from between the spruces with a deer on his shoulders. He was a hunter, he was a sailor and he was a Navy Seal. He was something between enemy and friend to Jensen, a man who gave him more than he could ever have imagined. He often wondered why. But the why disappeared with the snow that slowly melted and the green was recognizable in places. Like the hope, the little seed that perhaps towards spring brought forth something beautiful.  
  
With the book in his hand, he sat in the rocking chair, as if he didn't want him to stand still when Jared was away taking care of him. He had never tried to touch him, to hurt him, and he knew that this day would never come.  
  
The winter was cold and long, minus 20 degrees and it never really got light. You could feel the winter solstice that had taken place on December 21st. From then on the days became brighter and brighter. Jared was afraid of the snowmelt. He didn't want the kid to leave him, that he was alone again, that his life was just a feeling of existence again and he only existed.  
  
He put the dead deer down in front of the cabin and took some wood right in. A smile covered his bearded distinctive face when he saw Jensen in the rocking chair, "which side?" he asked, taking off his shoes, which were covered with a brown mass of dirt. "Page 54, sir!" Jensen replied. "Stop calling me sir," Jared said, poking around with the iron in the fire before feeding it a new log. Jensen nodded, did what Jared said and did not question anything.  
  
Jared stopped in the middle of the cabin like a rock in the breakers and looked around, "hmmm!" he grumbled to himself with his mouth closed. Jensen looked at him questioningly. "We need a table and two chairs and I'll make you a bed, a real bed," he explained his thoughts and slipped back into his dirty old boots.  


Jensen's green eyes blinked at Jared in a somewhat unsettled way, but he plucked up his courage and jumped over the hurdle of fear and anxiety, "I...I want to help."  
  
Jared stared at him. Jensen had gained weight. His skinny physique disappeared with the winter, slowly but surely. He nodded, "I could use a hand," walked out and Jensen's heart leapt. Hurriedly he reached for his thick coat and his boots. Everything was still new and unused and it felt good when Jensen put his feet into the brown laced up and warmly lined boots. The down-coat made him look stronger and he pulled the zipper closed before stepping out of the cabin for the first time.

  
  
Three months the cabin had become Jensen's fortress, and the time had flown by. Jared, who never seemed to freeze, called out to him, "come here!" Jensen went down the three steps and stopped in front of him.  
  
"The board must first be sanded, then sealed. This here is a wooden planer, I'll show you how to use it," Jared held the tool in his hand as if he were one with it and with gentle pressure he ran over the pine wood that seemed rough and textured. Small spiral-shaped wood shavings fell down and it smelled wonderful through the resin that started to dry out a little in the sun.  
  
They were both carved from a different wood and yet they came from the same forest. "Treat it well," Jared Jensen handed over the planer, "Wood is like us, it breathes, it grows, it works and it ages." Jensen bit his lower lip briefly, hoping he wouldn't disappoint Jared, so he put the plane on, took another deep breath and drove over the pine as if it were wax.  
  
"You're a natural," the lieutenant smiled contentedly, "go ahead, I'll just get the wood glaze," he disappeared behind the cabin.  
  
The boy liked to shape something with his hands and suddenly a voice sounded in front of him.  
  
"Hello?!"  
  
Jensen winced. The planer lost its grip in his tender hand and finally fell to the ground.  
  
"Excuse me! I didn't mean to scare you. I'm Chris Murphy, a friend of Jared's, is he in?" asked the man with the short black hair and the blue hat with a badge on it. It was gold, like the Navy's mark, but it wasn't an eagle on it, it was a bear. Murphy frowned and took a step forward as Jared's grumpy voice sounded, "I have no friends! What do you want?" he immediately stood up to Jensen to give him a feeling of security.  
  
"Won't you introduce us?" Murphy asked. "My nephew, Jensen! Is that it? I'm busy!", Jared's voice sounded grumpy, but this was nothing new for Murphy, that's how we knew him. "We found some scraps of fabric a little north of here. I wanted to ask if you noticed anything, you know your way around here well and roam the woods often", Murphy said.  
  
"No! I didn't notice anything, maybe they were poachers, you should get that under control!" Jared replied cynically. "We're doing our best, Padalecki," explained the trooper who watched Jensen closely. He hid more and more behind the Lieutenant and Murphy noticed that he was trembling, "Is it cold in Alaska huh?" he gave the blond boy a light smile.  
  
Jared picked up the planer from the ground and looked at Murphy, "Have a nice day." Murphy nodded slightly, "thank you! You too! See you," he walked down the path leading to the city.  
  
"Fuck!" hissed the lieutenant and Jensen winced.  
  
The big one turned to his little feather, "that's not good...not good at all, but we'll get it sorted, okay?" Jared reached for him without thinking about it and Jensen turned to stone in his hands. His breath turned into a panic marathon, his heart was like a dam that broke, flooding his veins with the blood he was carrying and his pupils dilated.  
  
Jared was terrified of himself and just as he was about to let Jensen go, the boy collapsed in his arms. It was like an electric shock to Jensen that incapacitated his young body. His mind was still awake but he escaped into a world of a thousand stars. In this world there was only him and he saw the hummingbird that flapped its little wings 100 times in a second.  


The ex- Seal knew this condition only too well and held him firmly in his arms, lifted his feather and carried him inside. Jensen lay lifeless, like a delicate doll in his arms.   
Gently he laid him on the mattress and covered him. It was a kind of a protective mechanism, a shut down of the body.

Jensen could not process the stress and trauma, so he split from himself. The kid was like a 220 volt electrical system where a 10,000 volt lightning bolt struck. His condition changed from hypertonic to hyptonic and then just collapsed.

The lieutenant took the whiskey and let it run down his throat before he took the book and made himself comfortable in the rocking chair. His eyes fell on the boy who meant more and more to him, his little feather which he held protectively in his hand and then he started to read.  
  
He was floating on a sea of gloom and Jensen was his anchor, he was his medicine, because the pill slowly lost its effect and he realized that only Jensen could save him. Maybe it was selfish to think that way, but he wouldn't let him go whether he wanted to or not, no matter what he promised him, that when spring came he could go wherever he wanted. He was like his island where he was stranded, his exile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> During the agitated numbness a lot of energy remains in the body, but the person cannot move anymore. The energy is bound up in the nervous system. This condition is called hypertonic.
> 
> If the overwhelming effect lasts for a prolonged period of time, the person goes limp, he becomes hypotonic. The person gives up, gives up the fight.   
> A shutdown occurs.


	7. Story on pause....but will be continued!

Unfortunately I have to temporarily pause the story for the next 2 weeks 🥺😣  
We’re renovating our house and I am currently living on a construction site 🤪  
So I just don't have time to write, but I can't concentrate on it either. 

The story will be continued in any case!

Thanks for your patience and understanding 😊


	8. The silence of feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks for your understanding.   
> The following chapter is not very long, but a little something for in between. 
> 
> The renovation is going great.   
> Oh, and so that the age difference between Jared and Jensen is not too big, I have adjusted Jay´s year of birth a bit.   
> God, I can't believe that when the show started, they were two cute baby boys. Where did the time go?   
> Jared's sweet bangs will always have a place in my heart!

" _Obedience to God never brings harm, it is always best for everyone if you do what He commands_ ," Jared read from Uncle Tom's cabin to his little feather.

"What a load of crap," he folded the pages and looked at Jensen, took another big sip of whiskey and said, "Where was he? Where was God? Not at your side and not at my brother's side! I used to believe in him, little feather, but that was a long time ago. You know? When everything around you turns to dust and you can't hold anything you ever cared about with your hands, the sun disappears behind the horizon and it never rises again. The days are dark, you become blind to the beautiness, no feeling that reminds you who you are and where you came from. The future is just a game of time and you wait every day for the goal to be reached and for you to be freed from this darkness. I´m so tired of waiting and playing...so tired! Because in life it's not what you have that counts, it's who you have by your side...I've lost them all," he tipped down the rest of the whiskey like the flood of tears that never came out.

Jensen was in his world, just him and the hummingbird that flew with him wherever he wanted to go, but soft sounds from which words were spoken caught up with him, hissing past him like the wind beneath his wings. This soft voice penetrated through him, threw a safety net at him and he listened, because he wanted to, he wanted to go back.

Life came back into bright green eyes and looked around sluggishly. Jared stood up and bent down carefully to Jensen, "there you are again," he gave him a smile that was barely visible among the thick stubble.

"I´m sorry," sounded the boy's soft voice. "Stop apologizing all the time, kid!" came the lieutenant's grumpy voice. "I still have to gut the deer, will you help me?" Jared handed him a glass of water. Jensen nodded and took a sip before he pulled himself up and followed the grizzly outside.

The high grown man hung the deer on a meat hook and took his knife, its blade shining in the sunlight. The handle of the knife was worn out, a sign that he used it often, in war, in battle, in life.

Jensen pulled a face as Jared slit the animal open from top to bottom and turned away. "Oh, no!" it came from the lieutenant and he whistled loudly. Jensen was startled slightly and looked reluctantly back. "I won't always be here, I want to teach you everything so you can get along on your own. First lesson, kill to survive no matter what the cost. Come here," Jay urged. Jensen took a few steps to him and the deer and stopped in front of the puddle of blood. "Give me your hand, please," Jared's voice became soft again.

Jensen did something he had never done before, not voluntarily, he gave him his hand. The wind blew the right words in Jensen's direction and Jared drove the storm.

The former soldier led the small, delicate hand inside the animal that was keeping them alive. Blood ran down Jensen's skin and soft tissue enveloped her. It felt so unreal, but it was real. "Treat it well, that animal died for us, don't forget that," Jared explained and he gutted it along with Jensen, who listened intently and absorbed it like a sponge.

The grizzly portioned the meat so that there was enough for two and Alaska was cold enough for the meat to last long enough. He packed up the waste and took it to the forest with Jensen and dumped it there. "You must never leave food outside the cabin, that's important, otherwise you'll have bear visitors soon," Jared said and Jensen just nodded again.

The rest of the day they continued working on Jensen's bed. Night fell and the sun was driven out of the moon. Jensen had been watching the grizzly for quite some time now and he wondered if he was just a human among humans or the hero he didn't want to be. Those pills he popped like it was a snack and the whiskey, whose smell was burned into his brain like so many other things he wanted to erase, seemed to help him forget whatever he wanted to forget.

"All right, I know I said I wouldn't ask any questions, but that man who was here today, he's gonna keep asking questions and he's gonna find out you're not my nephew. You got to tell me some things about yourself, okay?" Jared kept rocking back and forth with the bottle in his hand.

Jensen didn't want to tell anything, he didn't want anyone to share his wounds and pain, but Jared's first question was a question Jensen hadn't expected and didn't understand. "When's your birthday?" the grizzly before him wanted to know. Jensen frowned a bit and blinked at him, "Birthday?”

"Yes, birthday," the lieutenant repeated. Jensen shrugged, "what´s that?"

Jared was more than shocked. With those words, he realized that Jensen never had a life. The last stitches had been pulled and the last bandages removed, it was almost like a miracle that Jensen's heart was still beating. "Birthday is... it's the day you were born. I was born July 19th 1992, so you know how old you are. You celebrate that day, you get presents and all the people you love come to you and congratulate you, wish you success and health".

Jensen's beautiful emerald eyes lost their shine, these wounds would never heal. He lowered his eyes and whispered, "I…I don't have a birthday.”

It tore Jared's heart apart, the one he thought was just a stone, lying heavy in his chest, pulling him deeper and deeper into the darkness, yet he felt pain. His forehead wrinkled and his eyebrows narrowed, "Bullshit! I know exactly on which day you were born".

The little feather looked at him in wonder and the dark voice that had accompanied him for two months sounded, "it was November 14th, the day I found you, that's when your life began".

The glow in Jensen's eyes returned, because Jared made confetti from the debris in his heart and he nodded. He pushed the cloud wall away from the sun without asking for anything, he did it without asking for anything in return. Maybe next time he would take Jared with him to paradise in his head, when the world became too much for him again.

"We'll work it out," said Jared, who couldn't even control his own life. "Tomorrow we'll finish your bed. You'll need a new mattress; I'll get it from the city tomorrow. The road is clear again".

"To town? May I come along?” Jensen asked hesitantly.

A short grumbling sounded from Jared's throat, "I don't know if that's such a good idea, seeing you there. Maybe someone is looking for you," however, he could not resist those hopeful looking eyes, “all right, all right, you can come along, on one condition, you stay all the time with me!”

"Yes sir!", Jensen nodded relieved.

"I give up!" murmured the lieutenant. "I´m sorry," it came from Jensen, who knew not to call him sir, but that was as ingrained in him as the days he could remember. He wished there was a backward day when red, heavily cried eyes would turn white again.

Jared raised his hands in the air and waved him off, slightly grinning. He took the old blanket that was neatly folded in the box and lay down on the old wooden floor, as he always did. He bent his arm as he did every night and laid his head on it, "Good night!" he closed his eyes.

"Good night," Jensen also covered himself, but kept his eyes open and watched him for a while as the seconds turned into minutes. The grizzly's rib cage moved barely visible. He breathed calmly and peacefully, as if everything was fine, as if he could bend the rain.

Jensen had long since committed himself to the grizzly. He had never met people before, only monsters, and there had never been anyone to scare them away for him, until now. Jensen pulled the blanket over his adolescent shoulders. He felt safe and protected for the first time in his life. It was a thousandth of a moment that the silence of the feelings evoked in him. The little things Jared did for him, the words he spoke. He pushed him, very gently and very lightly. He knew the grizzly was there when yesterday threatened, he gave him an overdose of light that could only grow.


	9. Loud screams

Jensen fell asleep while trying to count the scars on Jared's body, at least the ones he could see. He probably had too many to ever finish and he knew that he too had more scars on his soul than on his still slightly tanned skin. He dreamed that night of the beach of life and Jared built him dreams of sand, but suddenly the sky above him darkened and the present stood in the way.

The little feather was back in the black nothing, day and night didn't matter anymore, time was just a comet burning up in the sky. He had no more claim to life. Jensen heard the footsteps that came closer and closer, he heard the lock that allowed the key to enter and the door that finally opened, the moment everything in him screamed, but no one heard him.

A new monster for Jensen, a new nightmare that kept catching up with him. He smelled the greed the monster carried with him, they all smelled the same. He felt the pain on his youthful skin, the pulling of his hair, dragged into the next darkness. The chains that were put on him and robbed him of the air he needed to breathe, how often he wished it was his last breath.

He screamed and raged, inside. No sound came over his pretty lips and his body was rigid. He stagnated, he acted, he laid down his shell disappeared into his paradise in his mind.   
His smile was like painted when he saw him, the grizzly. Has he always been there? The man who perhaps explained life and love to him? He wanted so much to throw himself into each of his steps, to follow him, but the pain tore him back again and again and he saw again the monster that penetrated him, ripped him into two without remorse. He was passed around like a leaflet in the wind. Jensen was only one part of many parts.

The screams Jensen let out shrilling reached Jared who immediately jumped up and sat down at his side and did what anyone would do.   
He lifted the small, shaking body carefully and held him securely.   
Uncle Tom's cabin lay on the rocking chair and he closed his eyes, "you just have to wake up, I'm here, I'm not going anywhere without you. When spring comes, I'll take you with me, on my Malachite. We're going to take hundreds of king crabs out of the sea and I want to hear you laughing then, understand? I have so much more to show you. We'll go fishing, salmon we'll fight with the bears for. Between July and October the salmon migration starts, it's beautiful, Alaska is beautiful. I'll teach you how to shoot, how to read tracks," Jared heard the howl of the wolf waiting for him deep in the forest.

Jensen opened his eyes and they shone bright at the grizzly. Jared's hands let go and Jensen grabbed him, grabbed his arm. He was afraid that if he let go, the nightmares would return.   
"All right," Jared lay down with him and Jensen buried his blond hair under Jared's arm that made him feel safe and he breathed his distinctive masculine scent in and out deeply so that the monsters' stench disappeared.

They just lay there and each of them knew that it was hard for both of them to find each other. They had reached the end of hell, but what counted was the way back. Jared's hands lay on Jensen's skin like the wind, very gently and almost unreal. None of them knew how far the way would be, but they would walk it together. They were homeland and home. Neither of them needed a compass or sextant, they would take the right path.

Every morning Jared's body was warm and became cold. He didn't want to regret his last day every morning. Winter followed him like the hands of a clock. But this morning was different. This boy in his arm was like a collision without sound. Jared wanted to do everything to make Jensen as comfortable as possible and he hoped that when he smiled, Jensen would smile too.

Carefully he pulled his arm out from under Jensen's head and reached for his clothes, wiped his face briefly with his flat rough paw and pushed the long hair back. He glanced back at his little feather that was deeply and firmly anchored to his little cabin and went to the sink to wash the sleep out of his hazel eyes.

Welcome new beginnings, said his reflection. He could not change the direction of the wind, but he could turn the sails. It was a good day, a really good day he realized when he looked out and saw the brown tarpaulin over his jet black Land Rover Defender. Winter was saying goodbye more and more to Alaska, as it did to him. The snow that had covered it, melted away, turned into raindrops that fell to the ground and trickled away to create something new. 

Silently he let the door drop into the lock and walked over to the car that was waiting to be started just like he was. The cover had to give way and it was as if he was lifting the veil over his heart. The driver's door creaked and crunched as he opened it and sat down on the seat. His right hand went over the old leather of the steering wheel.

"When are you gonna get a new car?" he heard his brother Jake's voice. Jared's eyes moved to the passenger side. "When it gets bumpy, you don't get out of the car, you buckle up. I don't need a new car. It never let me down," Jared explained, not noticing how he lost a tear that had been lost on his distinctive face, but maybe that's where it belonged, at that moment.

Jared was pulled out of his dream of the past years when Jensen suddenly stood in front of the passenger door and waited for Jared to let him in. The lieutenant leans over and opens it for him. Jensen stepped in gently and the tear Jared had lost trickled away under the thick stubble as if it had never been there.

"Do you see that?" Jared asked, looking ahead. Jensen's head bent slightly forward and his eyes searched for the answer, "What?"   
"That's the future, the rear-view mirror..." he tapped it with his finger, "it's small, it shows the past. Only the future matters, so always look ahead, okay?". He turned the ignition key and as expected, the car started without showing even a hint of weakness. The sound of the engine put a smile on Jared's face, "a really good day!" he noted and drove off.

The first time Jensen left the cabin, which was getting smaller and smaller behind them and was no longer visible after a few seconds. The path was just a path, but for him it was a milestone he wanted to climb. He wasn't afraid, he had the grizzly that took all fear from his little soul. Now and then there were stones in the way, branches and pebbles, but Jared avoided them as if it was a Parkour in his life.

The small clock, hardly readable anymore, showed 10:35am and the day had long since arrived in Cordova. The forest disappeared and Jensen's eyes saw and smelled the sea that lay just ahead. Down the hill straight towards it. House to house, one blue, one green and one white. So many colors, so much life he had never seen before. The darkness, that deep black slowly gave way to the night and a beautiful book appeared, written in rainbow colors and Jensen decided to read all the pages of it.

The former Seal looked over at his little feather from time to time. He saw how fascinated Jensen was, how impressed, as if he had been blind all these years and was seeing properly for the first time. Basically it was like that, he had never been given the chance to live, to truly see. Two months he was now on this world, reborn. Jensen had arrived, he was home.

The grizzly parked the car in front of a store and took the keys off the ignition. "Are you okay?" he asked the blond. "Where are all these people going?" Jensen asked. "I don't know, there are different reasons, some of them go to work, some of them go shopping and others don't know where they're going themselves," Jared replied in his deep voice, "Anyway, we're going to the store now and buy a new mattress for you, ready?"

"Yessir!", it came from the little feather. Jared rolled his eyes and sighed loudly before he got out with the boy.

The store was pretty to look at and the sign that said 'Ted's Cloud Paradise' swayed back and forth in the soft wind. Jensen remained firmly by Jared's side as agreed, he was like his shadow. Step by step he followed him and lowered his head.   
"You can't see anything," Jay lifted his chin gently with his finger, "I'm with you, don't forget that," he reminded his little feather and greeted Ted. An elderly gentleman, mid-60s, whose trademark was his single strand of grey hair that hung down trivially. Jared had a quick chat with him and explained what he wanted.

"Hi kid, is it about time that the grumpy guy gets a visit here, hope you get on his nerves," Ted laughed slightly. Jensen looked at him for a moment before his eyes wandered insecure on to Jared.   
"Come along then," he came around the counter that was full of flyers, dancing in Billy's barn, antiques market at the Ilanka Cultural Center, Jensen read.

Jared and Jensen went after him. "How heavy are you?" Ted asked. Jay raised one eyebrow and had to guess, "123 pounds," he answered off the top of his head. "Aren't you feeding the boy?", Ted shook his head and showed them some mattresses. "You may lie on them. YOU better not, you animal! I'll be right back," Ted had to return when the little bell on the door announced another customer.

"You have to test them, whether it's soft enough or whether it should be harder," explained Jared and pressed the fabric down with his flat hand. Jensen thought it was strange, he should lie down on a mattress here in the store? He looked around briefly and sat down and blinked at Jared questioningly. "Yeah, that's not going to work, sitting down is not lying down, okay," Jared went to the mattress that was lying next to it and read the sign to 250 pounds, "well, I'm not that fat now either," he lay down.

Jensen did the same, lay down on his back and looked at the grizzly lying next to him. "And? Good? Mine sucks, much too soft," grumbled Jared who was used to sleeping on the wooden floor. "It's...too small," said Jensen. Jared hestitated, "too small? You can fit three times on it."  
Jensen sighed, he had never slept so well as last night, with him by his side.

But the Lieutenant understood after a moment and sat down with him, "but then we'll need a bigger bed and two mattresses, all right," he was stunned when Jensen's beautiful green eyes beseeched him.

Ted came back and Jared bought two mattresses for the bed that would now take up half the cabin, he would probably have to add more. "We still have to buy some groceries, the store isn't far from here, we'll walk," Jared closed the trunk of the Land Rover after he had loaded the mattresses.

Jensen literally pressed himself against him and watched all the people walking purposefully across the asphalt. They seemed to be somewhere else in their thoughts, unlike him. He was here, right now, in this moment with the Lieutenant and it seemed like a dream.

"I have a task for you, you read everything you see to me now," Jared's voice sounded between the street noise. Jensen looked around, "Ice...hall, ice cream parlour, Touuuuu...rrriss...touur....tourist information", he read everything to Jared that his eyes could see.

"Very good!", Jared listened to him carefully. Suddenly, Jared stopped and Jensen involuntarily bumped into the man in front of him, who, like many others, was waiting at the traffic light for green.

"Hey!", the stranger turned around and looked at the boy angrily. Jensen was terrified and grabbed Jared's arm. "Is there a problem?", the lieutenant asked. The stranger looked at Jared, "He should apologize!" "Look ahead!" growled the grizzly at him. "I look where I want to," the stranger's voice grew louder.

Jay grinned and said to Jensen, "what's written on his cap?"   
"Um...champion?" Jensen read it out.   
"Wrong! It says I'm not going to cross the street today unless I'm smart now and just turn around and shut my fucking big mouth!" said Jared and the guy ran red with rage. "It's green!", Jay pushed Jensen to his other side and crossed the street with him. "Was that really written?" asked Jensen confused. "Yeah, on the back, in front was Champion".

The store was less than 20 steps away and what Jensen opened up there was like a second other world. There were things everywhere, everything was packed with things he didn't know. The impressions flooded the boy, everything was overflowing and yet it was empty.

Jared watched him and picked up a basket, "You know your job?" "Yes sir! Read!", Jensen said and there was an immense amount to read. Words Jensen had never said before. Jared tore a hole in his world and opened a universe out of a flood of consumption for Jensen. He trotted after Jared and his voice sounded loud and clear after Jared thought aloud, "what more do we need?"   
"Condoms!" Jensen read from a small package to him. Jared turned to him like the passing customers. The lieutenant had to chuckle and just nodded.

It was like a hurricane, Jensen had never been in one before, but that's what it had to feel like. Suddenly he stopped in front of a small monitor and watched the girl who was painting on an electronic board talking to her. He found it fascinating and tilted his head a little.

Jared had already gotten used to his shadow, which he suddenly realized was no longer with him. He had half a heart attack and turned hectically back and forth. His eyes wandered through the shop as if lost and finally caught onto Jensen, who was standing just a few meters away. "Oh my God!" he took a deep breath. "You need something to do, do you want to paint?", he asked the blonde as he stood beside him.

"I don't know, sir!," Jensen replied in his insecure manner. "I think you'll like it, but not with this piece of crap," the Lieutenant looked around and grabbed a drawing pad and lots of pens, "Pens and a piece of paper, that's all you need," Jared explained.

Jensen was like that piece of paper in his hand. Someone had torn it apart, cutting off small pieces again and again, and Jared doubtfully tried to put it back to its original state, but he knew it would never be the same again. All he could do was to try to glue it back together, with words and deeds, with patience and perseverance.

Back in the car, Jared took a deep breath, "I want to show you something else," he started the car and drove down to the coast. There, all the ships lay in the harbour and swayed gently in the Bering Sea.

Jensen's eyes sparkled like the name of Jared's ship, like a Malachite. He had never been to the sea before and he felt something, something deep inside him that touched his soul.

"There she is, my ship, the Malachite. Not much longer and I'll be going out to hunt king crabs again," Jared felt the same as Jensen at that moment, the urge for freedom.

They gave each other love, doubt, hope, pain, peace, dreams and more. The grizzly was Jensen's alphabet, he was his hero, his star in a screenplay.

The lieutenant got out, he didn't have to say anything, because Jensen was immediately at his side. The wind blew through his long hair, which was as wild as the Bering Sea. It was rough and unpredictable, but deep down at the bottom it was quieter than the silence that lay over them.

Only a few people, a few fishermen were there and Jared looked at Jensen, "you know what's good for you?" he took a deep breath and screamed as loud as he could. Jensen flinched as the wind carried his roar away. Around Jared was a wall, five meters high, like a palace, no one came in and no one came out. Again and again he anaesthetised himself, but he didn't feel like keeping quiet right now.

"Now you," said Jared. Jensen was ashamed, he had never been loud before. Not in such a way. 

"Do it! Scream as loud as you can, Jensen! Scream! Let it all out, all the crap before November 14th, feel the here and now and let the past out," Jared gave him a smile that enveloped Jensen's fears in a fog.

The little feather closed his eyes, took a deep breath and his otherwise so quiet, almost whispering voice, burst out like a hurricane, with a long, piercing scream that reached Jared's heart. Before November 14th, every day was a déjà-vu for Jensen, like a bruise that never went away. Each time a new monster pressed on it and the pain was there again.  
He screamed against the roar of the grey sea infront of him. 

He slowly opened his eyes again and waved his pretty blonde hair to the lieutenant at his side. This was the moment Jensen found something again, something as strange to him as life itself, his smile. He hadn't known he was out there, the person who would give it back to him. There was still so much for Jensen to discover, but he knew Jared was the greatest city in the world, he would always be.

"Are we going home now?" he asked, and his voice broke a piece of Jared's five-meter-high wall. "Home...yes!," Jared replied. Home, where life begins and learns to dance.


	10. Lucky Punch

Arrived! At home!

Euphoria ran through the veins of the two lost souls, because it seemed damn easy when they were together.

Jensen sat down on the last step of the small veranda and opened the first page of his very own story. He reached for a pencil and looked at Jared who continued to work on their bed. There were a few clouds in the sky and put the steel body of the grizzly in a shadow play until the sun came out and the beads of sweat on his skin sparkled like golden shimmering crystals.

Unconsciously as if by magic, the pointed pencil lead traveled across the untouched sheet of paper. Pictures arose from Jared's words, which Jensen had firmly anchored in himself. He was the place where he wanted to stay until the end of time.

Jared heard the voice that he missed so much. He was always near him and yet so far away. He couldn't grab him, like a blind passenger just drifting around.

"You got to let go," said the voice in his head, the voice of his brother Jake. Jared took the hammer and drove the nail into the board. A rotating captive free spirit, a sober drunk who kept running into his own walls and not seeing the bridge. "You've got a job to do now, nothing happens without a reason Jay," he heard the words ringing out of Jake's throat again, like a spark from loud screaming. The lieutenant turned his gaze to the small feather on his porch.

He wondered if Jensen would continue dreaming for him if he despaired of his dreams. If he got lost, would the blond help him look? Because he would be so happy to do that for him. Often he felt like an old man who couldn't make a step forward without his cane. Like the sea without salt, a balloon without air, a song without melody.

Jensen's eyes panicked when he looked up. Jared followed his green eyes and saw him, he knew it was him who called out to him every night.

Jensen's heart was pounding loudly in his chest and breathing was difficult. "Stay where you are, don't move," Jared commanded his little feather in a gentle voice.

Jay slowly grabbed the axe that was not far from him and the wolf, so powerful and magnificent, took a few steps forward without taking his dark eyes off Jared. His big paws sank in the snow exposed to the relentless power of the sun. His white fur was beautiful, his chest pronounced and his neck muscular. "Go away," Jay whispered and looked him straight in the eyes. A wolf within reach, in broad daylight was like a miracle, but for Jared it was more than that.

The blond boy was fascinated and captivated by this sight. He would never forget that moment as he sit there, looking at the lieutenant as if he could magically understand him, almost as if their souls were one. 'Go! I'm not coming...yet,' Jared's words were only in his mind. The treetops bent, the wind shifted and the wolf disappeared into the seemingly endless forest of Alaska.

Jared turned to his little feather and sat with him, "he will come back."   
"What did he want?" asked Jensen.   
The grizzly looked into his eyes, "he was looking for something, something that was looking for him, but it's not here, not anymore," Jared gave him a slight smile and his hazel eyes wandered onto the piece of paper in Jensen's hand. His breath faltered, his heart ached and overturned in time with his thoughts that spun like a roundabout, "that's me," it was unmistakable. 

The little feather nodded, "yes".   
"Why do you paint me? I mean, there's so much beauty here," Jared wondered, impressed that Jensen could draw so beautifully, even though he had never used a pen with his hand before. Jensen shrugged briefly, "because...there's nothing more beautiful for me, sir!"  
"You flatter me," grinned Jared. "Will you help me carry the bed in?" asked the grizzly who felt deep inside his heart as his heart gained a piece of life through Jensen's words, it was like a lucky punch. "Yes sir!", the blond boy put down his drawing pad and pencil.

The bearded man handed him the hammer, "I'll take the rest." Jensen tilted his head and curled his forehead while Jared grabbed the boards on his shoulder and carried them in.

The little feather looked again at the forest that was getting darker and darker the deeper you looked. He was no fool, he knew what the wolf was looking for, who he was looking for.

"I could drive the nails into it with my shoes, but that would take forever, are you coming?" Jared's voice sounded from the porch. Jensen turned to him, "yes sir! Sorry!" he walked up the stairs and stopped in front of Jared who gave a loud sigh, "you're going to tease me with that, aren't you? Go on in," he stepped aside a bit and closed the door.

It was as Jared had thought, the bed took up half the cabin, and there had to be a table to fit in, and two chairs. He reached for his beard with his right hand and scratched through it with his fingers. His forehead wrinkled as he thought. It would be alright, the way it went on and on, nobody said that it was easy to live, nobody had ever told him that it could be so painful, but when he saw this boy he was grateful, because if this was his last day, it would be a nice ending.

He finally carried the mattresses in, "where do you want to sleep? Right or left?". "With you sir!", Jensen replied spontaneously. "Um...yes sure, but...never mind!", he put the mattresses on the bed, which was as simple as they were.   
"It turned out very nice," said Jensen who didn't know that someone was doing something for him who just wanted him to feel comfortable and Jared did. He felt comfortable in Alaska, in this cabin, on the side of the grizzly.

"I'm gonna take a shower," Jared explained and went out the back door. The shower was just a bag, which was often used for camping. Jared had no running water in this wasteland, he had only himself, his mind and what he had learned in the Navy. He didn't mind the cold water. He hadn't felt anything on his skin for a long time. He didn't know anymore if he was warm or cold, if he was happy or unhappy, if he should laugh or cry. He would like to feel something again.

Snow, rain and the forest were the things that kept him alive. Nature offered him everything he needed. He always ran a warm bath for Jensen, he didn't want him to freeze, his body to shiver and to drown trembling under the shallow waterfall. Jared gave himself unstressedly simple. His dreams went by with the hands of the clock that was his faithful companion.

Jensen went over to the small window, which had a crack in it, like his heart. His green eyes rode roller coaster on the lieutenant's steel body. A thousand scars and yet he was beautiful to look at. The pounding in his chest thumped in his ears, pumping blood through his veins, almost making him faint. The muscle cords of the Ex Navy Seal broke through the hard skin and turned it into a rock that the little feather would love to smash against. He was the first person in his life, the first to touch his heart, the first and the only one who had managed to revive him.

Surprised, he looked down at himself and noticed the bulge in his pants and the heat on his skin. He knew the sight, just not on himself. So that's what it felt like? Fear spread through Jensen, when those monsters stood before him, just as he was standing there now, was he the monster? Did he just become that? He didn't want to hurt the lieutenant, he didn't want him to disappear into a fantasy world in his head.

Jensen tried to push the bump away, but once he touched it, it just got worse. The door opened and Jared stopped in surprise and his gaze wandered down to Jensen's crotch. The young man's cheeks turned turkey red and he tried to explain it, but he couldn't find the words, he didn't even know what to explain. The only thing he could say was, "I'm sorry."

Jared looked at him and bit his lower lip slightly, "I'll take that as a compliment, maybe you should...well...geeze!", he scratched the back of his head, embarrassed, not knowing what to say. "The only thing that will help is a cold shower or...I'll leave you alone for a while".

"No! Don't go away, I won't hurt you, I would never do that, sir!" came the little feather in panic. "Hurt me? You... I know you don't want to hurt me. I mean,you should just get comfortable,and... god,what am I doing here? Sit down," urged Jared, who was as uncomfortable with the whole thing as Jensen was.

"You have no idea, do you? I mean, why it is the way it is," Jay took a seat next to him on the bed and looked at him. He felt infinitely sorry for the kid. He had no idea what his body was capable of, what he could do. He only considered himself as an object, not as something human.

"It's gonna hurt," he said, "I'm gonna hurt somebody."   
Jay pitifully pulled his eyebrows together, "Nonsense! You're not going to hurt anyone, Jensen. I never asked you where you came from, what happened, I guess I don't really need it anyway, I can guess and...anyway, what's happening is something beautiful, it's something very natural and normally you make someone else happy and you don't hurt them, you know?"

Jensen again tilted his head slightly with a brooding expression, "so I make them happy?"   
"No! Yes! But not like this," Jared replied. Jensen lowered his head, "I think it would be nice to make you happy," soft sounds echoed from his throat. "That's what you do, just in a different way. You seem to like me a lot, but... I'm much too old for you. You're still so young, maybe 16? I don't know".

"But they all did, those monsters were much older than you and they didn't care!", Jensen didn't want to just accept that. "I know and they should be punished for that," Jared was just thinking about what he would do to them.   
"And what should I do now?" sighed Jensen. Jared puffed out air, "I'm sure you'll figure that out for yourself," he stood up and went to the door, "I'll stay at the cabin, don't mess up the new mattress," he dropped the door into the lock and took a breath.

Jensen had been with him for almost three months now and he knew that if he did anything that would harm him now, he would never get to him again. Then he would have used up his trust. Jensen had already filled the goblet with tears and Jared didn't want to make it overflow.

Mechanically, Jensen stroked his face that was back to color and he closed his eyes. When he closed his eyes, there he was, right in front of him, the grizzly and he sank with him into his dreams and wishes. His hand went down and a soft moan escaped his dry throat. With his tongue he moved gently over his lips and he noticed that this feeling spread like a flood of a thousand suns setting on the horizon. As if remotely controlled by the grizzly he felt in his dream that he had never dreamed before. It took his breath away, that's what flying must feel like, he thought and he would fly with the lieutenant everywhere. From here to now, from yesterday to tomorrow and from tomorrow to infinity.

"You do everything right, you always did everything right, you were my hero and now you are his, your weapon is your mind and you know what to do", it came from Jake. Jared looked at the chain around his neck with the badge dangling from it like Jake's right arm, on a red soaked shred of skin. Half his face was torn apart by the shrapnel and his shadow was Death standing right beside him. "I miss you so much," it literally tore Jared apart. Again and again he had to endure this sight, was it his fate so he would not forget?

Jensen's long lashes fluttered and trembled uncontrollably when he experienced an orgasm for the first time in his life. His body shook and everything seemed meaningless at that moment. Slowly and almost disorientated he came back to this world he shared with the Grizzly, just like the dream world he was in just a moment ago. His green eyes were looking for something to help him clean up before he stained the mattress. He didn't want Jared to get angry and finally got up carefully and washed himself clean at the kitchen sink.He quickly dressed and opened the door of the cabin. Jared turned around and Jake disappeared from his bitter world of memories. He saw in Jensen's eyes and still blush cheeks that it had worked and grinned, "we're not going to talk about this, right? "Okay, sir!" Jensen agreed with him.

The little feather sat down next to him and looked up at the stars, wondering what else he would learn about himself and the world, about people and life. But none of this seemed important to him, not more important than to learn who this man next to him was.

His broken heart seemed to lie heavy in his stomach, it was probably easier for Jensen than for his rescuer, because he did not know life as it could be. Jared, however, knew the good and beautiful sides and lived just in the bad ones, like in a labyrinth of thorns. Again and again life stung into his skin as soon as he tried to find the exit. Everything he was had been in flames for too long, maybe Jensen could see new flowers in the ashes one day.

Carefully and not really convinced, he leaned his head gently against the grizzly's strong shoulder. Jay swung his head to the right and a tender smile under his beard hair laid the first seed.


	11. Roll of Thunder

Jared's smile faded when he saw Murphy's patrol car driving up the bumpy road and stopping in front of his cabin. "Go on in," he told Jensen, who immediately did as the grizzly ordered and crawled into the new bed, pulling the blanket over himself and hoping to be invisible.

The lieutenant stood up as Murphy stepped out of the car, somewhat pensive, "Hello, Jared."

The tall man gave a quick nod, "what brings you here?"

The trooper grinned slightly and said, "Questions, many questions. The first one I ask is why are you lying to me? I've been doing some research on you. You only had one brother, Jake. He got killed in action, so this kid can't be your nephew, so... who is he?"

"Son of a friend," Jared replied.

Murphy nodded, took a few steps and looked around, "why didn't you say so right away? You're acting really weird, Jay, what am I supposed to think when you lie? Especially who's to say you're not lying now? What's the boy's name, full name, please."

"Is this an interrogation? It's none of your business, okay?" Murphy cornered Jay.

"I just want to know who's in my town, it's not that difficult, I just want his name," the trooper looked Jared straight in the eye.

Jay sighed, he couldn't get out of this number that easily and he had to surrender, "I don't know his name," he honestly admitted.

"Hmmm...Ackles, his name is Jensen Ackles, born on 1st March 2004 in Dallas. He disappeared 13 years ago. His parents said that he was playing in the front yard and suddenly he was gone in the minutes that his mother went back into the house to quickly refill his sippy cup. A nationwide search was conducted, but there was no trace, nothing!"

It sounded weird for Jared to hear all that, his name, his date of birth, and most importantly, that he was trapped in the clutches of those monsters for 13 years. "Then you know more than me. Was that all?", grumbled Jared, who wanted to escape, simply taking Jensen with him as luggage, somewhere far away, where neither of them would be missed.

"No, Padalecki! That's not all! I want to know what's going on, why is the boy with you?" Murphy came closer and his eyes glared at the Lieutenant.

"What?! You think I had something to do with this?! I found him, okay? Here in the woods!"

"Found him? Damn it, Jay! Why didn't you report it? "What's going on?!" Murphy grew louder and there was anger in the sound of his voice.

"He was... I... I don't know! I just wanted to help him, okay?!", Jared tried to justify the situation and his actions, even though he knew exactly why he hadn't reported it. A pinch of selfishness, a little bit of pity and a little bit of hope, from which he wanted to create a bittersweet piece of life.

Murphy shook his head, "where has he been for the last 13 years? What was he doing here in Alaska? Where did he come from? You never asked him?!"

"No! I never asked anything, he was just there and I tried to help him," Jared replied to the Trooper.

"You tried to help him by hiding him here? He is not a pet Jared! He has a right to go home! To see his parents again! You of all people should know what it is like to lose a loved one," the Trooper was simply stunned.

"His home is here now! He remembers nothing, Murphy, neither his childhood nor his parents, they are strangers to him! He trusts me," hissed the lieutenant.

Baffled, Murphy looked at him, "his home is in Dallas Jay," he shook his head again over what Jared had told him, "you know that and you're blocking it out, you know he can't stay here."

"Give me some more time, Murphy, please! He's just starting to come back to life. You owe me, damn it!" came from the former Seal.   
Murphy grinds his teeth, "yes, I am, but I can't just sweep this under the table, Jared, this thing is way too big!"

Jared stood right in front of him and whispered, "But the favor I did you, wasn't that big?"

Murphy bit his lower lip and he remembered the night Jared did something he didn't have to do."I want names Murphy, the boy was severly abused, he looked terrible when I found him. He was 3 years old...13 cursed long years trapped in a nightmare, he doesn't know anything about life, he couldn't write, he couldn't read, he was completely exhausted, he doesn't even know how old he is! He didn't know what it means to have a birthday. He was a slave hidden from the world by some sick freaks. And you just want to inform his parents and everything will be fine? Fuck you Murphy, you can't do that. You're gonna help me find out who took him and who the fuck did this to him."

Murphy turned away, took off his cap and combed through his dark hair, "it's not that easy...well, nobody else knows about this but me, I need time to find out more."

"Good!" Jared was relieved. He didn't want to lose Jensen at any cost. Without Jensen, he'd be back where he was, on the brink. He'd be like the Bering Sea without the waves.

"I need information. I need you to ask the boy if he remembers anything, places or faces. I'll get back to you and get you a mobile phone, damn it, I hate coming up here all the time," the Trooper put his cap back on and got into the car.

Jared went after him and laid his big paws on the roof of the car, "Thank you!"   
"If this blows up, we're both fucked! So don't thank me yet!" Murphy started the engine and drove back to Cordova. Still not sure what to think about that situation.

The path Jared had to take was rocky and not easy, he had to tell Jensen who he was and he was afraid of what was coming. When Jensen would leave, Jared hoped that he would leave a little bit of himself, just a little piece to hold on to.

The old wooden door squeaked softly as he opened it and looked up at his little feather that was hiding under the thousand other feathers of the blanket. He tapped carefuly on the small lump. A head with blond hair emerged and green big eyes shone at him.   
"What did he want?", Jensen asked thoughtfully, for he didn't want an answer.

Jared sat down on the bed and took a deep breath, "he found out you're not my nephew, but that was only a matter of time."

Jensen's throat tightened and he lowered his eyes.

"He knows who you are, what happened....well not all of it, but he knows your name, your full name, he knows who your parents are and...your name is Jensen Ackles, you were born in Dallas, March 1st, 2004. You were abducted when you were just a fucking 3 year old toddler."

Jensen's résumé, short as an eyelash.

Jared's words sounded like chaos and the blond boy felt it was eating him up. He looked at the grizzly sitting with his back to him. His long hair, his broad back behind which Jensen could easily hide. Jensen gave himself a nudge inside. He pushed the blanket aside and crawled to the edge of the bed, put his arms around the grizzly's strong shoulders and gently nestled his head against its back, a hiding place from the truth. He wanted to be invisible together with him.

Jared closed his eyes and lost his contour as Jensen's shadow lay over him.

"I'm Jensen, born in Alaska Cordova on November 14th," whispered the blond boy who knew exactly who he really was. The past told him nothing at all, strangers, father and mother, a country he didn't know, here was everything he wanted and needed, here was the grizzly, his beginning and his end, his start and finish, his home.

The lieutenant reached for Jensen's hands, which disappeared in his hands like words in a book that was being closed. The Seal had taught his little feather to dream without sleeping and he hoped it would stay that way, a dream he never wanted to wake up from. 

Jensen hid his face in Jared's old sweater which smelled of winter, like her very first day. The lights of his street were Jensen's landing strip, leading him through the gates of hell back to life.

"He will help us, he will do nothing, you don't have to worry, but..." Jared was interrupted by Jensen's soft voice, "No! I'm not leaving," he knew what he wanted to say and he thanked him inwardly for it, "no one can fight the monsters like you can sir!"  
Jared took a deep breath. He felt every breath of the little feather brush against his skin.

Time was only a word, how long they sat there was not important, because both enjoyed the seconds that passed by.

The reef fought the tide and the little feather that made itself comfortable on its back fought the grey in its life and painted it out, in a thousand colours. Mutually they gave each other strength, load and luck to carry together.

Jared turned around into the sea of lights and looked Jensen in the eyes of malachite green. What was it that he did to him? He needed closeness and at the same time distance, safety and danger, but something he needed more than the air to breathe was this boy who gave him tailwind and pushed him forward.

A gentle smile of melancholy lay over Jared's heart, "tomorrow is a new day that we will survive".   
His little feather blew the dust from his soul and Jared set sail.

"Yessir," Jensen reiterated the grizzly's words, pulling his shirt over his blonde mop of hair, pulling the jeans off his waist and crawling under the blanket. Jensen could do this without fear or trepidation because he felt safer. 

Jared also got undressed, but folded his clothes in a perfectionist manner, as he did every evening, and put them down next to the bed. What they noticed that night was that the bed was too big, because his little feather was looking for his closeness and the grizzly let him do as he wanted, because that way the nights didn't get so dark.

With his hand Jensen reached for Jared's hairy broad chest while the big one unconsciously put his arm around him while he slept. Like a package, the contents packed with new life force.

The sky was suddenly illuminated by lightning and the thunder that followed him startled Jared. Sweat pressed through his skin, lay down on his forehead and suddenly it was September 6th again. Where should he go first, to whom of his men who were lying there like destroyed Lego figures, from which small pieces had broken out. They started their last round in a game that could not be won. It was them who regretted his actions, his command.

Jensen knew this kind Roll of thunder that haunted Jared and made him tremble. He sat up and embraced him again with his arms, trying to hold on to him as tight as he could, "I'll protect you. It´s going to be fine," he whispered in low tones.

Why couldn't he just freeze his memories and break them. The storm above them raged in Jared's soul and with every thunderclap his body shook. He grabbed his head and covered his ears, he didn't want to hear it, the hail of bombs that had destroyed everything he lived for. Who took him out of his duty? Who would bring the mills to a standstill, which kept turning and turning and grinding his fighting spirit.  
Jensen heard the storm that came knocking on the door and he tried to stay strong for his grizzly who was not there, he was somewhere else and this place was not a good place. He became a fighter for Jared and tried to fend off the monsters that were hunting him.

Jared's breath was gasping, shaking and uncontrolled, his body frozen and his eyes as empty as the whiskey bottle that stood on the floor.

The blond looked at the watch that told him nothing but tick tock and he moved his heart closer to the grizzly. With the ticking of the hands the storm moved slowly away until only a slight rumble could be heard in the distance bringing Jared back to the here and now. Jensen could feel how he dropped the ballast and the lieutenant had defeated the monsters. He lay back on the soft mattress and the seal, still slightly worn, did the same, without a word that would have been as unnecessary as the war he was exposed to every day.

It was the most beautiful colour he had ever seen, it was the colour of hope that lay softly in his eyes as he looked at him, his little feather.

Jensen's right hand reached up and pushed a strand of hair from the grizzly's striking face. A touch Jared had almost forgotten. He closed his weary eyes. Why did he forget everything nice and good, why was only the redundant and hurtful in his skull? Tomorrow the sun would shine again, tomorrow would be the same day as today and it would be up to them how he would go out.

Jared realized that he would have to give up the life he had planned to live, to live a life that was waiting for him. A life in which perhaps this boy, who had just snuggled up to him again, was the part that gave him peace, that drove away the thunder roll.


	12. Patience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I´d like to tell you that I am overwhelmed by the many likes and the great comments. For us hobby authors, this is the greatest incentive to get the best out of a story.
> 
> I would never have posted the story in english and thanks to my best bitch for convincing me to post it here and above all for taking the time to translate it for you.
> 
> I hope you keep doing it!
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> Hello, I'm the bitch translating this nice story. No worries, I won´t stop ;) 
> 
> Oh and here is the new chapter. Enjoy XXX

With each passing day it became easier, more carefree. Jensen put white doves on Jared's tank and they raced across the Milky Way every night in the big Dipper. The blond learned so much about life and every day there was something new to discover that amazed him.

Jensen turned the cell phone back and forth in his hand and pouted slightly, "it's not working, sir."

Jared grinned, "it's still empty, we have to charge it first," he plugged the cable into the small opening. By now he had a generator, he needed to be accessible for Murphy and also for the boy who had turned his whole life upside down. A life that was not really one.

A table and two chairs, a bed, these were things that were ordinary and part of life like breathing, natural and yet so strange to Jared. Something he had never needed, in his little cabin that was only meant to give him some protection. Now he felt safe, just like Jensen, who slept next to him at night, in his arms. He wanted to give his little feather a home and unconsciously gave himself one.

The Seal had distanced himself from the world as he knew it, but he didn't want Jensen to remain unworldly either and had finally decided to get a laptop.

"Please be patient," the blond read off the screen. "Yes, we need patience, that means we have to wait," Jared explained, tearing the boxes into small pieces that he threw into the fire.

The lieutenant looked at his little feather and a sigh escaped his throat. He sat down at the table again and pushed the laptop aside a bit, "Jensen?"

"Yes, sir?" he raised his pretty head and looked at the grizzly questioningly.

"The Trooper, Murphy, he wants to help us, but in order to do so he needs information. You and me, we have a deal, you don't have to say anything if you don't want to, and so I...I thought maybe you could draw something," Jared was always careful not to push Jensen into something that might throw him off track again.

"What shall I draw, sir?" the boy's soft voice sounded, and the lieutenant felt the fear in his words.

"Faces, places, anything that might help us find these monsters, anything you can remember," the Seal replied.

Jensen lowered his eyes, "I don't want to remember, sir! The monsters are gone, why do you want to look for them," Jensen didn't understand why it couldn't just stay the way it was.

"They are gone just for you, they can't hurt you anymore, but you won't have been the only one they hurt and they have to be punished for it, do you understand? So they won´t hurt anybody else anymore. I wouldn't ask you to do this if it wasn't important. You have all the time you want and need, all right?"

Jensen looked worried at the laptop screen, "will you be patient, sir?"

Jared smiled, "oh, yes, I will!"

"I'll try, sir!" Little feather finally agreed. "He's ready!" Jensen was eager to see what this black square thing could do.

Jared dropped the topic and installed the usual programs and blocked pages with questionable content. He knew he couldn't protect him from the world, that he would see that the great powers were crafting bombs again, that the sea was being flooded with plastic, that the rainforest was sinking into ashes, that people were fighting for oil and tomorrow for water, that abundance and famine were taking over, even he took pills that didn't really help and only harmed him. People had to love secretly, for fear of shame, hate slogans and children with guns, and the sky that not only carried the stars, the moon and the sun, but was also filled with drones.

The lieutenant finally showed him how Google worked, "if you want to know something, anything, type in a term here, or ask your question...do you have one?"

"Hmmm..." Jensen thought hard, "when's dinner ready?"

The grizzly laughed out loud, "you don't need to ask Google, the answer will be in an hour, young man," smelled the buck that was already roasting in the oven.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door and Jensen flinched badly. "All is well! Take it easy," Jared stood up, stroking briefly over Jensen's head and opening the door. "Mitch!"

"Hello, Jared," the ranger beamed at him.

"Um, what are you doing here?" Jay took a step out and half-closed the door behind him.  
Mitch looked at him a bit sceptically, "working? I was just thinking about you, OK, that's not true, I think about you all the time", he bit his lower lip slightly.

Jensen remained rigidly seated at the table, listening to the words of the unknown man.

"Mitch I...I like you, but...", Jared did not get any further, because the Ranger interrupted him. "No buts, okay? Can I come in?"  
The lieutenant looked back for a second, "I didn't clean up. It's a mess."

Mitch puckered his mouth and raised an eyebrow, "like I care," he got close to Jared and pushed the door open. His blue eyes met the green eyes of the blond boy sitting there at the table like a statue, "you have a visitor?"

"Yes, my nephew Jensen. I don't have time Mitch," explained the grizzly who immediately went to Jensen to give him the feeling of security, to let him know that he was there and he didn't have to be afraid.

The little feather looked at the stranger. He had dark hair, almost black, and his blue eyes looked like the sea not far from them. His face was slightly reddened by the cold of Alaska and his uniform was the same color as Jensen's eyes.

Mitch took the beige hat off his head and shoved his fingers through the tousled hair. His face was softer than the Lieutenant's, perhaps because he didn't have a beard. "You never told me you had a nephew. Hello Jensen, I'm Mitch Sterling," he walked towards him and Jensen slid back a little with the chair. Jared put a reassuring hand on Jensen's shoulder, "you don't need to know everything, let's go outside, shall we?", Jay pushed him back outside the door.

"Is he afraid of me?" Mitch found Jared's nephew's behavior odd.

"He's got some problems, that's why he's here. You know, the nature, the quiet, it'll do him good. So like I said, I'm busy and I really don't have time Mitch," Jared wanted to get rid of him.

"I get it. You want to come over for dinner sometime? Of course you can bring Jensen with you," the ranger who more than just liked Jared said. A few times they had been together, a few nights, a few hours, but Mitch was addicted to the man standing in front of him. His dry but honest manner, his sarcasm that he revealed again and again, his smile that was shown far too seldom, his smell and last but not least his body.

Jared sighed softly, "I don't think this is a good idea Mitch."

The ranger pressed Jared gently with his right hand against the wooden beams of the cabin, "come on, what have you got to lose?" he put his lips on that of the grizzly, who first let him allow it, but then gently pushed him away, "don't! I'm not the right one for you, Mitch, believe me."

"Why don't you let me decide that," the ranger said disappointedly, "what's the problem, Jay?"

"I'm the problem," Jared answered him honestly.

Mitch nodded and walked down the porch, "you know Jay, problems are made to be solved. You should slowly get out of your ghost train before you become a part of it. You think you're alone, but you're not. You don't let anyone in, you're afraid of what will happen if you let them in, because you'll be vulnerable. God damn it! Why am I telling you this? You fucking know it yourself."

The lieutenant sighed and went after him, "yes, I know it myself."

Jensen had been standing by the window for some time by now, watching the grizzly and the stranger. Somehow he didn't like him at all, but why, couldn't he have answered. Something in him resisted, it was like a kind of anger and powerlessness, no, another feeling he had never felt before. Jared had made him a bed and a table, he covered him when he was tired, he was the door leading out of hell. An oppressive feeling that made his heart beat hectically spread through him, he suddenly panicked that the ranger might destroy all this.

"We could try it after all, and if it doesn't work out, then you've lost nothing," whispered Mitch and stroked the long strands of hair from Jared's face so that he could see his beautiful eyes better, that beautiful brown, with the endless varieties that enchanted him again and again. Gently he pulled the big one towards him and put his soft lips on that of the grizzly again, who was only on the outside the tough guy everyone thought he was.

The little feather hesitated for a moment, but Jensen overcame his fear of the unknown man and opened the door. The grizzly was his life. His home.  
It was jealousy that feeling that Jensen had just met. He was the fighter now, and he needed to protect him. He wrinkled his forehead, pulled his eyebrows dangerously together, and walked down the stairs, straight towards the two of them, and without a second thought bit Mitch in the upper arm with the full force of his jaw.

Jared couldn't make out which scream was the loudest. Jensen screamed like mad with a grimace and Mitch screamed in pain.

"Jensen!", it came confused and horrified at once from Jared, while the ranger ran red with rage and wanted to grab Jensen, who pulled back at that moment.

"Hey!," Jared warned the ranger, stepping up in front of his boy. Nothing and no one would ever go near his little feather. He was the wall he built around his boy, a wall of steel and concrete.

"What?! He bit me! Fuck man!" Mitch clutched at the aching bleeding spot on his arm.

"I know! Now calm down!" Jared insisted and turned to Jensen. Gently but surely, he grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to the cabin. Ignoring the blood on his lips. "Why on earth did you do this? What has gotten into you!?", his voice suddenly sounded not so sensitive for Jensen, but angry. 

Jensen's green eyes looked at the grizzly, his vision became blurred, tears were forming. "Go inside," the lieutenant asked, "we'll talk about it later." The little feather blinked at him again and then ran up the steps of the porch, into the cabin that offered him shelter.

"Fuck!" grumbled Jay.

"What's wrong with this boy!" Mitch was indignant.

"I told you he had some problems. I'm sorry about that, but I don't have time right now," Jared told him. And hoped Mitch understand that nothing more would happen between them.

"I understand. You know, Jay, I feel sorry for you, I really do, and it's a shame that a guy like you is gonna die up here alone, you're such an idiot!." He walked away with sad eyes.  
"Take care of yourself," Mitch added before putting his hat back on, continuing on his route.

The big guy scratched his head and looked at the cabin, he didn't like Jensen's behavior very much, but somehow it was cute, too. A slight arrogant grin came over his lips before he went into the cabin and closed the door behind him. The chair was empty, as was the bed. The only thing Jared saw paralyzed his body for a few seconds. Blood. Tiny specks of blood spilled on the floor. He bent down and ran his long finger through them. "Jensen?" Jared's brown doe eyes searched for his boy.

He was just suffocated by the noise around him, a noise he had experienced many times before. But with each cut, it grew quieter. He shouldn't have done it, he shouldn't have bitten, "don't bite don´t bite," he mumbled again and again and Jared heard the whispering.

The Lieutenant lowered his head, his hair touching the hard wooden floor and there he was, his shadow, hidden under the bed. It was incomplete without him, without Jensen he was just a shadow of his former self and the darkness would take him back to where he had been before and never wanted to go again.

Slowly and with a pinch of calm he came closer to him and discovered the knife in his slender hand. The lieutenant ran his gaze over the skin of his little feather. "Jensen...", Jared's voice trembled, in which lay infinite sadness, "Jensen! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...please give me the knife," he begged the blond kid. His beautiful green eyes flickered and blood ran down his left forearm.

"Okay! You're scared, I understand, I'll sit down in the rocking chair, okay? I'll leave you alone, but in return you'll give me the knife, all right? You can stay there, as long as you want, but give me the knife." Jared lifted himself up and sat in the rocking chair.

He prayed to God that Jensen gave him the knife. He closed his eyes for a moment, 'please', he begged in his mind. For the first time since he suffered the worst loss of his life, he called him again. If he lost his feather, this world would be too big for him. He had cursed God and everything around him and now, at this moment, here in Alaska in this little cabin at the edge of the world, he regretted what he had done, that he had denied him. Mankind needs something to believe in and Jared had long since lost faith in himself, in God, and maybe God wasn't an old man, maybe it's just a belief that what people call God is something deep inside ourselves. Maybe everyone was a God in his own right, who saw the world as he wanted to see it. Forming it however he wanted it to be.

Jared gnawed on his lower lip and tried to suppress the tears of despair that were spreading through him like a thick fog. But he couldn't stop them, they were stronger than him and ran down his slightly tanned skin like raindrops.

Jensen's hiding place was built of dreams that were about to shatter. ...like a house of cards falling apart. The grizzly was everything to him, it was his world after all, and he had built him a cave of blankets to keep him warm and protected. Slowly he crawled out from under the bed and Jared collapsed with relief inside.

His little feather, his little boy knocked him out with his eyes, just because he was there. It almost took his breath away, he was all that meant anything to Jared anymore.

"Please...please sir!", Jensen's voice trembled under a flood of tears, "please don't send me away," he jumped to his feet and wrapped his arms around the grizzly's neck, seeking safety. Jensen clearly felt the throbbing of the artery, pure life.

His bitter tears, which consisted of fear of the morning, dried up in Jared's sweater, leaving only a small trace, enough for the Lieutenant to pull him as close as if he wanted to anchor him firmly inside himself. It was so light, his feather, as he pulled it gently on his lap. He rocked the chair in a smothly motion and stroked the blonde mop of hair, "Never! I would never send you away. I want you to stay, no matter what else comes, I'm here, I'll always be here."

The tears dried only slowly, like the blood on Jensen's arm. The blond boy on his lap was completely exhausted. Hiding his face in the crook of Jareds neck. Didn´t move a muscle, as Jared inspected his left arm. The wounds weren't deep, but they were lodged in Jared's heart, so it almost threatened to break.

They both carried the longing in their hearts to start a new life. The path was still rocky, but Jared would remove the biggest stones. He wanted Jensen to find his own identity, one that he dreamed of himself. He was like a newborn baby, filling the cabin with happiness, making the love in Jared's heart stronger, his patience greater, and the future brighter. But there were also the dark sides, the responsibility became greater, worry and fear were always omnipresent. Jensen was the hand that brought Jared back to life, no matter what path his little feather wanted to take, he was by his side.

Jared had crossed boundaries, marched in tears, every tear he lost now he gave to his boy. Their days were a dry pool in which they sat and filled it with tears at night so they could finally swim again.

Slowly he got up from the rocking chair with Jensen in his arms, after he was sure the boy had fallen asleep, and laid him down carefully in bed like a broken porcelain doll. He wanted to heal his wounds, put the shards together, like a puzzle, piece by piece, until it was a beautiful picture.

The smell of the roast still in the oven was only now becoming apparent to him. Before he took the gauze bandages and disinfectant out of the first aid kit, he took the roast out. But he didn't want to wake Jensen now, he wanted to give him some rest and finally lay down beside him.

The grizzly needed, courage and confidence, but most of all patience and he remembered a quote from the Bible.

When you walk through water, I want to be with you, and when you walk through streams, I want to be with you so they don't drown you. If you go into the fire, you will not burn and the flame will not scorch you.

"I'll be patient," he turned his head to his little feather, "I promise!" he looked for the blond's soft, so fragile hand and sealed their fingers with his big one.


	13. Rocket boost

They had found each other at the last second, none of them carrying a fraction of hope within them until that day, November 14th.

A new day dawned, new steps with a thread in their hands that led them towards the future, whatever it might bring. Jensen blinked and watched the grizzly that warmed him at night when he froze. The old blanket, already frayed at the hem, covered his muscular body only half and a few rays of sunlight fell on his chest which rose and fell in intoxicating tranquility. One scar in particular caught his eye, which had burned into his upper arm. It looked like a star that had lost its way on his skin. Jensen gently laid his finger on the scar, covering it like a band-aid.

Jared grumbled and turned to his little feather while still half asleep, "dinner's ready," he murmured and looked bleary at Jensen. The boy smiled enchantingly at him and Jared wished that this moment would stay as long as it could. This was his little boy who had captured his heart. The gray on his soul disappeared and was replaced by the green of Jensen's eyes. Jensen was the only one in this world who saw who he really was.

The Lieutenant's gaze fell on his boy's arm and he sighed inwardly, "why did you do this?" he asked in a low voice.

"Because... it makes me feel empty, I-I feel no pain or anger, it frees me from all this. I was afraid you would send me away," Jensen explained.

Jared sighed, "I don't want you to be empty, Jensen, I want you to be full of life, to be aware of your feelings and not suppress them. What you did yesterday was wrong, but I understand that you didn't know how to handle it. It's okay, but I don't want it to happen again, I don't want you to hurt other people."

Who hurt Jensen so much that he started hurting himself?

"You were jealous, you were scared. I get that. Remember that day at the sea?", the Seal asked.

Jensen nodded gently, "yessir!"

"I want you to scream, let out your anger, your desperation, because one day your silence will eat away your soul and I don't want that. Remember the door, it's open, always take the next step and don't look back, do you promise that?" Jared wanted a resounding yes from his kid.

"All right sir! I promise!" Jensen would do it differently next time and try to give his emotions a sound.

Jared nodded in relief, "Okay, Kiddo....I'm going to disinfect your wounds now," he stood up mournfully and took the first aid box.

"How does it feel?" sounded Jensen's soft voice.

Jared sat down on the edge of the bed, "What?" he drizzled some disinfectant on the cotton wool pad.

"Kissing someone you like?" hissed Jensen lightly as Jared placed the pad on his cuts.

"I don't know, it feels...good," grinned Jared who was rather the rough guy and didn't like to talk about feelings, he didn't know how to describe them either.

Jensen tilted his head a bit and looked at him, "how good?"   
"You'll find out. One day you will lose your heart to someone who means a lot to you, someone who laughs and cries with you, someone you love without knowing why," a light smile appeared under Jared's beard.

"What does love feel like," Jensen had a thousand questions in his head that only the grizzly in him evoked.

Jared raised one eyebrow, "Love is chaos and now no more questions clear!?," he packed everything neatly back into the box.

The little feather reached under the pillow, he had recorded some memories, plotted them down on a piece of paper and stretched it out towards the grizzly, "my memories of the monsters sir!"

Jared looked into his green eyes that were flooded with yesterday. The grizzly was afraid to look at the drawings, afraid of what he would see, but Jensen had experienced it all, he owed it to him and turned his eyes to the yesterday of his little feather. His throat tightened the next second, he felt like he was drowning in the boy's memories. They pulled him down into the deepest indescribable darkest worlds of creatures, where there was only a sea of blood. It was hard for him to think clearly. Jensen had drawn everything in detail, a curse and a blessing at the same time. He wanted so much to take away his pain, that was the only thing he wanted right now.

The blond boy could hear Jared's heartbeat, fast and uncontrolled, and he sat there under the spell of the monsters, staring at his memories, "Sir?"

"Thank you!" nodded Jared and smiled at him tortured for a moment, "I'll...I'll get some more wood, pretty cold in here", he stood up and left the cabin almost in a hurry. He was his spring, he was his summer, he was his autumn and his winter, he was his new life, his boy. His deer-brown eyes filled with tears, his insides cried out for retribution, for revenge, for freedom for his little feather. Hectically he reached for his mobile phone and dialled Murphy's number.

"I got what you wanted, he recorded everything, Murphy...I have one more request...", a tear fell on the piece of paper that burned into Jared's brain like all the others. Two, three, a hundred monsters and his little feather, chained to a wooden cross, soaked in black old blood. His screams reached Jared as if the image was alive, as if he was there and he couldn't save him. Come into my world, he whispered in his mind, I am here!

"Jared?", Murphy couldn't hear anything on the line anymore.

"Yes...God Murphy! I...can you make an appointment with Doctor Spencer for today? Explain the situation to her, I need to be able to trust her, nothing must go public at first, tell her what happened", the Lieutenant asked.

"You want to take him to the doctor? To Susan Spencer?", the trooper asked again.

"I must! Call me back when you know a time, will you?", Jared hung up without waiting for an answer and heard the voice that came and went with the wind.

He was standing right behind him, Jake.  
Jared could feel him, dead and alive at the same time.  
"Can you feel it? The fire that burns within you again?", his little brother asked, who was like a sailing ship of stone that didn't need an anchor by his side here.

Jared nodded and held the drawings in his hand that saturated the fire within him. They were the gasoline that drove him and the flames leapt high.

"Sir!?", sounded the voice of his feather. Jensen stood small and shyly at the door of the cabin, looking at him with big questioning eyes.

The Seal turned and looked into Jake's dull eyes, which to Jensen looked like he was staring into space. The lieutenant closed his eyes and tried to return to the here and now. Immortal moments between the hands of time floated in his wake, like leaves in a golden autumn.

Jake stepped aside to make room for Jared's boy. Now he would build sandcastles for him until the tide came in.

"Sir?!", Jensen's voice was now close, right in front of him and Jared opened his hazel eyes.

"I'm so sorry!" the lieutenant's words trembled and he just grabbed the boy, held him in his strong arms and pressed him tightly without breaking him. He lowered his head and buried his face between the shimmering blond hair.  
Breathed deeply the smell of shampoo and young sleep into his lungs. 

What was unthinkable for Jensen a few months ago was now the elixir of his life, his very own special drug, closeness!

It was like a thirst that could not be quenched, he needed more and more and he always wanted more, only from him, the grizzly. His hands resembled big paws and yet they ran so tenderly over his back, his breath he felt in his hair, warm and smooth, like summer wind. His heartbeat, to the beat of the clock that always told the same story. Time was only a word in this place of the world, in the small cabin, between bears and wolves. His grizzly didn't fear even the biggest stone, because he would break it too, the stone that lay on top of them.

Jared had a hard time letting go, but they had to keep walking.

"They'll pay for it, they'll never hurt you again, they'll never hurt anybody again, I promise! But...you have to do one more thing for me, Jensen," he gently took away the tear that had gotten lost in his face.

"What Sir?", every touch of the grizzly was like a symphony on Jensen's skin.

"We gotta give your memories to the trooper, Murphy! And... I wanna make sure you're healthy. I know a very nice doctor, she won't hurt you, I'll stay with you if you want, I'm not leaving. Will you do that for me? I know this is not going to be easy for you, but I am at your side and if it is too much for you, we will go and try again some other time, I will not force you to do anything, you know that!"

Jensen lowered his head, he could hardly give the grizzly a no, even if he wanted to. "I'm scared! I am healthy, my wounds have healed well, sir," he tried to paraphrase the no, because he only knew the 'Yes, sir!´

"I know buddy, at least on the outside everything is okay again, but there are diseases that are not immediately visible, you understand?" Jared tried to explain it to him gently. "I'd like to take you to the malachite to go crab fishing, but you have to be healthy, you want to go, don't you?"

Jensen's green eyes, which made Jared melt like a liquid chocolate core, glistened at him, "yessir! I want to be where you are!"

"And to do so, you have to let a doctor make a check up. You think you can handle that?" the lieutenant asked carefully.

Jensen swallowed and needed a moment. Nothing was more important to him than being by the side of his grizzly, "Yes, sir!"

Two words, for Jensen they meant submissiveness. He was an abused servant to the monsters that were constantly around him, but with the grizzly, they became fleeting, disappearing as soon as he even looked at him. The little feather felt that he liked to say these words in Jared's presence, because deep inside him the joy of life grew and he was happy to be the lieutenant's servant now.

Jared smiled, "We can do this! Together! Let's go inside," he stood up and Jensen remembered his words. Laughing and crying together, they did! Unconsciously, he touched his soft lips and wondered if the chaos inside him was love. A grip on his chest made him doubt, because his heart was still there. He would like to give it to the grizzly, but how could he do that? 

Jared took the laptop and looked for a film for Jensen. It got stuck on the cover of Bailey. A friend for life, a film that is not just about a dog, but about the souls he captured, getting the best out of them, a life full of love. A single life was never enough to end a journey. The meaning of life was to start over again, to recreate his character and to make tomorrow better than yesterday.

Jensen sat down in the chair and Jared turned the laptop to him, "a really great movie! I'll make some breakfast and coffee," the Lieutenant walked over to the small kitchenette.

The music sounded and Jensen looked fascinated at the screen, which painted his face with a thousand colors. Another new world opened up for him, a world that pulled him along. The tiny hairs on his skin stood up and he was suddenly feeling unreal cold.

Something strange flooded the small wooden cottage and it seemed that its beams were bending. Flickering, Jensen's laughter covered the old wood and stamped it with bliss.

If Jared had been asked what the most beautiful sound in the world was to him, he would have said without hesitation that the laugh of his little feather that grabbed his heart and held it tight. He closed his eyes while a smile lay on his face. A smile that a thousand words could not have described.

His laughter made the flood of bitter tears on Jared's soul more bearable and transformed something hopeful. Through his laughter, which was so honest and liberating, he gave Jared a kind of distance to what was on his mind. It allowed him to take a step back, process his past and move on, like a sedative with no side effects.

Jensen himself had almost forgotten what it was like to laugh, out in the open. His own laughter seemed to him like the sun driving the winter outside the small cabin. Like an embrace of the grizzly without touching it.

But every laugh was followed by crying, and Jared put the coffee and the buttered sandwiches on the table, "is sad huh?" he moved the chair next to Jensen and sat down with him.

Bailey died the first time and Jared remembered.

They were Navy Seals, a United States special forces unit. They had survived hell week. 50 hours straight without stopping. They were some of the toughest guys in the world, and yet they were only human. People with a heart, with feelings, with fear and anxiety. He had learned to control stress and fear by using the right breathing and yet they were just outwardly tough guys who had to swallow like everyone else in a movie like Bailey.

Jensen's tears rolled and dried up the moment Bailey found a new soul and life began anew. A rollercoaster of emotions, up and down with turbulences made the heart of the little feather heavy. It was sad and beautiful to witness Jensen's emotions. The Lieutenant enjoyed it, laughter and tears were not far apart, no tear was in vain. They went together, hand in hand through every fire and doubt.

Jensen managed to catapult Jared out of this godforsaken world with a rocket boost of his laughter. With his laugh he described the images in Jared's head and he let him, because the next hours would be hard enough for both of them, another way they had to go, together!


	14. Infinity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this chapter took a bit longer.  
> It will be quite intense, but it just didn't run smoothly. After a brainstorming session Doll went over it again...we hope you like the result.  
> Babe xxx

The sky above them narrowed and the sun lost the fight against the superiority of the clouds. Slowly it began to rain and the drops were beating like little bursting pearls on the black, slightly scratched paint of the Land Rover, parked in front of the doctor's office. 

Jared looked over at his boy and gently pulled his fingers out of his mouth, nibbling nervously on them, "trust me!"

Jensen took a deep breath and rubbed his hands briefly over the tight fabric of the jeans, as if he wanted to wipe his fear off. This was one of the hardest steps he had to take voluntarily. Memories came to the surface in his head, but when he looked at his grizzly, the feeling of security was reflected in him. Like a lighthouse that pulled him out of the waves of emotions and showed him the way. 

Dr. Susan Spencer opened the door to her clinic and Jared greeted the doctor who, like him, had found her way to Alaska, albeit for different reasons. Her face was soft and Jensen noticed the blue eyes with a hint of gray in them. Small freckles lightly adorned her cheeks and her mouth was red like the evening sun. Long brown hair, tied in a braid, lay over the white coat and her voice was soft and friendly. 

A peaceful smile accompanied her words as she sat down on her chair with the small wheels, "Hello Jensen, I'm Doctor Spencer, but you can call me Susan and you don't need to be afraid, okay?" she mustered the blond boy. She already knew what it was all about. Murphy had talked to her and asked her to keep everything to herself for now. 

No one else was in the office, only the grizzly and his little feather. 

"Shall Jared stay here," she asked the thin boy with the bright green eyes. 

Jensen pressed himself wordlessly against the grizzly and Jared nodded at the doctor. 

"Would you like to sit here?" she asked and pointed to a cot. 

Jensen looked up at the lieutenant who nodded at him benevolently, took his hand and led him to the gurney. An oppressive feeling overcame the blond boy as he sat down on it, something inside him resisted, but he was there, the grizzly that protected him. 

"I'm going to take your jacket and sweater off now, okay? Susan needs to examine you," Jared explained cautiously and in a soothing tone. Jensen trusted him and nodded. He did not want to disappoint him. The Lieutenant helped the teenager undress and laid the clothes neatly on the wooden chair in the corner of the treatment room. 

The stethoscope lay cold on his chest and Jensen was startled briefly. The doctor smiled,"it's just cold, your heart is beating like a clockwork, very good!"

Jensen did as he was told and nervously gnawed on his nails from time to time. Jared didn't mention it, he didn't want to cause him more stress and if it helped him, it was okay. Susan weighed him, took his measurements and wrote everything down. 

"You're doing great young man," Susan gave him a smile, "I'm going to palpate you now," she explained every step. 

The other hands, except for the grizzly's touched him, cramped the boy's body and he swayed slightly back and forth to calm himself. 

Jared felt the storm raging inside him and hoped the hurricane would stay away. Not a moment did he let go of Jensen's hand and his little feather held on to it like a lifeline. 

Susan's hands ran over his body, shaking him like an earthquake that slowly swept him away from his grizzly, into the ravine that opened up, down into hell. 

After the ebb came the flood, after the now came the yesterday again.  
Tied up, exposed, helplessly delivered. The monsters and their tools that penetrated him, their claw-like paws that tore his skin to shreds. He saw their dark eyes, greedily they drove over his body, penetrated him and ate him up inside. 

The lieutenant noticed that Jensen was gripping harder and harder, and he looked briefly at Susan, "he needs a break," his voice sounded both worried and demanding. 

Susan looked back and forth between them. "Jensen," she asked, and the blond boy reacted as if hypnotized by his name and looked at her, "Everything all right? It's just a vaccination, it'll only sting a little."

His gaze wandered down to the syringe in her hand and the rocking that was supposed to calm him down became more uncontrolled, more powerful. He just wanted them to be quiet, that the monsters didn't hurt him. Just a little more morning and less yesterday, that's what Jensen wanted. More fantasy and less drama. 

Jared became impatient and angry at the same time, "Susan damn it! You see that he can't handle it!"

"Yes, I see that! I'll give him something to calm him down," she could understand Jared, but there was no other way. For a moment she went to the medicine cabinet, took out a small glass vial and prepared a new syringe. 

They reached for him, into his middle and the heart and the clock in his chest beat louder and louder. 

"Sir? Sir?! SIR!," rose Jensen's panicked voice. 

Jared felt it like a lightning bolt. He immediately sat down with him on the cot and put his arm around him, "I'm here! I am here! Shhh!"

The grizzly held him protectively in his arms, like a lion protecting his cub, and noticed Susan standing in front of him. "We're breaking up here," Jared said. 

"This won't help Jared, we have to examine him. Better sooner than later. The next time could be even more traumatic for him," she replied. This boy was as vulnerable as a flower that had been robbed of its blooms.

Jensen was so scared and it seemed like he only had one chance. He couldn't hear him, couldn't feel him, was he gone? Over and over again he cried out for him, "SIR?!" 

The Lieutenant closed his eyes and leaned his face against his little boy's, "I'm here, Jensen," he gently teetered to the beat of the melody that made them feel like they were floating. Jared's large hands stroked his back, which was marked with scars, and he felt every one of them. The grizzly bit his lower lip slightly and felt Jensen desperately trying to hide inside him as he pressed his head tightly against his broad chest. 

His top-five fears in the ranking of his memories poured down on him like a rain of adrenaline. 

Why didn't the anchor sink? The anchor that secured his little feather wondered Jared, who ran his fingers through the blond hair. Like a small package tied together, one full of worries, Jared held the boy. 

"You...are th--there...there, sir!", Jensen stuttered to himself. He was like a naked mannequin, and Jared felt like a column that supported nothing, not even something as light as a feather, his feather. 

"He won't notice anything, believe me Jay, there's no other way. Now or never," it came sorrowfully from the doctor who now had to act and yet she waited for Jareds okay who looked at her desperately, looking for a solution, but there was none, there was just no other way they could go. 

Jensen's heart racing and his breath pounding against Jared's chest in a hundredth of a second. Finally his strength left him and he slid his head into the protective lap of the grizzly. His body was nothing more than an uncontrolled shell. 

Jared suddenly noticed something wet and looked down. Jensen had wet himself, like a small child, full of fear and anxiety. The monsters had a firm grip on him, they were pulling and tugging at his little soul and the Lieutenant could only sit there, holding him and trying to reach him somehow. He looked down into his lap and gently layed his hand over the exposed neck. Strocking with his thumb behind Jensens ear. "It's all right, it's all right Jensen! The crabs, they are waiting for us, soon it will be time, soon we will be on the sea, over the big waves we will ride. We will conquer them, we will never give up, do you hear?"

They wanted to walk the path together, but Jared began to doubt if the path they were walking would end here. He just felt like a penny out of luck, he felt at the mercy of the monsters themselves, because no matter what he did, they were still there, they would come back and take his kid. Today, yesterday was closer than ever before. 

'Scream out your feelings', Jensen remembered, and he screamed as loud as he could until his throat scratched and hurt.

The dark little piece of him, his nipple lying on the cold concrete floor below him, blood crawling across his skin like melted dark chocolate, bitter yet sweet. It was so real, these images in his head played out like in a cruel movie. 

Jared's body shook inside and out. His hands trembled at the sound of Jensen's scream, which penetrated him like shrapnel that had destroyed his life. "Come on! All is well Jensen," Jared's heart broke, like ashes that fell apart. "Jay?!," Susan raised her hand in which the salvation for Jensen lay.

A silent tear fell on a small feather and he whispered, "do it!" 

Jensen raised his head slightly, "No! NO SIR! Please don't! PLEASE, PLEASE! I'll be good!" cried Jensen and wanted to crawl inside him. He wanted to go from darkness into light, but he couldn't find the exit. 

The grizzly held him as tight as he could and begged for redemption himself, "I am so sorry!" 

He was so tired that he couldn't sleep anymore and yet he kept trying to lay the planks over which they could flee. Be strong, be a soldier, that everything fell away from the lieutenant as he released the tears that lay on his soul. 

"Jensen!? Jen!" he pulled him gently up to himself and took Jensens head between his big hands,"look at me kiddo!" he spoke softly and breathed the right words to him. "Like Bailey, the movie, tomorrow is a new day, okay? Everything is going to be all right, you don't have to be afraid, I'll always be with you, I'll protect you, I want so much to take away all the tears and pain," he gently wiped tears from his pretty face and finally laid Jensen's head gently on his shoulder as Susan got closer. "Wait!" Jared fought her off. 

The doctor looked at him confused. 

"Give it to me, please Susan," Jay asked, reaching out his hand for the syringe. The doctor sighed and finally placed it in the grizzly's paw. 

"Everything will be fine! When you wake up, you'll be home again," Jay looked into the green eyes that had captivated him from the beginning, which stuck out of that tree stump in the dark of the night and almost blinded him. Jensen had turned his head towards him, blinked at him, begging with his malachite green eyes for the grizzly to take him home, but then he felt the object penetrate his arm, as he had done so many times before. He flinched briefly in Jared's arms and fresh tears ran down his pale face.  
"Please forgive me," Jared's lips trembled at the words he spoke. 

Like a book was Jensen's body, whose scars did not tell a story with a happy ending, but a horror story, drenched in blood with moments of horror. His internal clock slowly gave in to the drug the grizzly gave him and his slim body slowly collapsed and came to a rest along Jared's strong chest that supported him. 

Susan gently placed one hand on the Lieutenant's broad shoulders, "it's better this way! Let him go, will you?!"

Let him go? Words that reached the grizzly like a deep blow to the pit of his stomach. 

"Jared! Please!" the doctor asked again. 

He had broken his promise. Jensen had trusted him, he had told him that they would stop, that they would leave, but Jared could not keep his promise. Carefully, he put him down and grabbed Susan's hand, which was gripping the button on Jensen's jeans. "NO! I'll do it," he looked at her insistently. 

The doctor, somewhat irritated but understanding, nodded and let Jared undress the boy. Watched without a comment, as Jared peeled the drenched trousers from long pale legs.

Although Jensen had been with him for several months, Jared had never looked at him so closely. Maybe he didn't want to look closely either, didn't really want to admit it. Drunk and confused, he was too often, to make life easier for him. 

Like under a pile of scrap paper, he discovered more and more scars. With his eyes he rummaged through Jensen's skin, which had not been gnawed on by time but by monsters. 

The pen circled over the sheet of paper on which the doctor noted down all the injuries. Jensen's life was documented, wounds recorded and manifested. 

The closer the lieutenant looked, the more rage and hatred blossomed in him, which became almost unbearable. "Give me a blanket," he asked the doctor, who was just engrossed in the documentation. 

"What?", she asked. 

"Give me a blanket, damn it! He's freezing!", Jared became louder. 

Susan took a deep breath in and out and finally fetched a blanket from the closet, red chequered and fluffy. Jared took off his jacket and put it over Jensen's torso and wrapped him in further into the blanket before carrying his little feather from room to room. 

Jensen's body was x-rayed and Jared watched the doctor closely as if he didn't trust her.  
Would Jensen still trust him? 

He heard Susan's voice like she was miles away.  
Broken bones that were not treated properly. The little toe on his right foot stood out from the others as if it didn't belong. Why had he never noticed it, or had he seen it and blocked it out? Jared felt nauseous and briefly turned away from the sedated body. He could barely stand it, and he would have loved to scream, cover his ears and close his eyes. 

Countless times over the years he was raped, abused, violated and thrown away. Jensen lay there like a body without sound. 

Under his golden hair there were even more scars. He had probably been beaten with blunt objects more often. Susan realized that some injuries were years old and others were just healing. Most of the time not sure at all what have caused them.  
This boy had not only been raped, he was the monsters' punching ball, a guinea pig for their sick perverted fantasies. 

On his foreskin were burn marks, probably caused by squeezing out cigarettes. Jensen's testicles had been tied too tightly several times, leaving scars around them. It was like a list of torture methods from the darkest corner of hell. He was missing two teeth in his back, which had been extracted. Even under his feet scars were visible. There was not a single part of the youthful body that was untouched, not a single small area had been spared. Toenails had been torn out of him, one was just about to grow back completely.

Susan pulled the glove off her hand after examining Jensen's anus and looked at Jared sitting next to his little feather. Leaning his head against the boy's, he stroked the blond hair and the delicate face again and again. Something so soft and vulnerable in the lieutenant's hand was like a miracle. How he would like to take all the bullets for him. 

Susan explained to Jared that she had felt some scarring anally and asked him to come to her briefly, "barely noticeable, didn´t saw it right away, but there is a tattoo, an eight," she pointed to the ball of the boy's left foot. 

The eight, it stands for infinity and Jared hoped Jensen's memories weren't infinite. 

Susan didn't fill any of this into the computer, she just wrote it all down on a piece of paper, she had discussed it with Murphy. 

"Jared?," Susan looked over at the Lieutenant, who wrapped Jensen back into his jacket and blanket. He staggered between right and left, trying to get to the center of his heart, but he was torn. 

"Jared?," the doctor asked again and approached him.

"Hmm?," he did not take his eyes off his boy. Carefully, he lifted him onto his arms and whispered, "I'll take you home." 

"Don't you think that...", the doctor didn't get any further, because Jared interrupted her curtly, he knew what she wanted to say.

"No!", he gave her a stern look. 

"Okay," she took it like this, "take the ointment with you, for his scars on his back, they are not yet completely healed, rub them in daily, okay?" she opened the door for him in front of which Murphy had been waiting for some time. 

The Trooper looked at him with the boy craddled in his arms, bare feet sticking out of a red blanked. And he wondered if it was something good or bad that they had met, the boy and the lieutenant. 

"The drawings are in the car," Jared squeezed past him. 

Susan shook her head slightly. "Thanks Susan," it came from the Trooper and he looked up at Jared, who was carrying the bundle to the Land Rover. 

The doctor sighed slightly, "the boy has been through hell and beyond and honestly I don't think...that Jared can help him. He needs professional help Murphy." 

The sky was colorless, dark and gray as Jared carefully placed his feather in the car, wondering when the sky would finally open up for the boy. He wanted to bring him home safely, he wanted to take the shadows off his soul. 

The Trooper turned to her and nodded slightly, "maybe! Maybe not," he looked back at Jared who was closing the back door of the Land Rover, "maybe this kid won't get any better help, maybe this isn't wrong, but right. But I know what you mean. Two souls trying to find their way back to life. Believe me, I don't know whether that's good or bad, whether it's wrong or right, but this boy, he trusts him. Jared seems tough, but we both know his heart is in the right place. Good night Susan," he went over to the Lieutenant, without waiting for her answer. 

Jared's face was vacant, his eyes empty and cold, full of anger, full of pain. His hope lay in a thousand shards, here and now in this moment. "Look at them, look at them properly! I want those bastards, I want to look each one of them in the eye and rip their hearts out," Jared's words smacked at Murphy like blows when he gave him the drawings.  
The Trooper's eyes were flooded with pure horror as they fell on the boy's memories. It wasn't Jensen who was hanging from the St. Andrew's cross there, it was another boy, with blue eyes from which blood flowed like a little red river of tears. Men with laughing grimaces stood around him and each of them took a piece, cut a part of childhood out of him. Murphy swallowed and looked at Jared. 

"No! Fucking look at it," growled Jared and ripped it out of his hand and held it in front of his eyes, "tell me you're not losing your mind! Come on! Say something!" 

"Jared! What do you want me to say? This is...incomprehensible! I...the men are easy to spot, I'm trying, I'm trying to find out who did this, okay?!", the Trooper explained. 

"He had to watch, damn it! It burned into his brain like the marks on his skin! His whole body is marked by the shit that was going on. He will never get rid of these memories, who knows what else!" These drawings were like the Bible without God. "Do your fucking job," Jared walked around the car and got in the car angry and desperate. 

He took a quick look back at Jensen before he started the engine and drove away.

Jared knew the way to the cabin blindly, but the way out of the labyrinth that surrounded him and his boy remained hidden from him. Yesterday it was the right one, today it seemed to be the wrong one. He hoped Jensen would forgive him for betraying him, for fooling him. That he couldn't keep what he had promised. 

"The end of the circle is you, Jay, no matter how many times he remembers, he'll always be with you," he heard Jake sitting in the passenger seat as if he had always been there. 

Jared stopped the car and stared at nothing. He gritted his teeth and cursed himself for not keeping the promise. With his hands he repeatedly punched the old leather steering wheel until he slowly lowered his head. He collapsed under the weight on his shoulders and everything inside him screamed. 

His gaze wandered to Jake, who presented himself before him as if he was breathing his last. 

"Why?," he whispered in tears that burst out of him. 

"Because that's the way it is. Everyone needs a piece of infinity, like summer rain; without it, there would be no life. Take him home now, Lieutenant," it sounded like an order when Jared's tears fell on the seat like salt crystals. 

The grizzly found it hard to breathe and pointed his rear-view mirror at the boy to whom he wanted to give everything. He was drifting on a sea of gloom and between many words there was nothing left to say.  
But the reward for his fight was the most beautiful thing he had been allowed to know just recently. 

Jensen's laughter.


	15. Dragon blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I am really REALLY sorry that it took so long again.  
> Even though no one wants to hear apologies.... the renovation of our home is unfortunately bigger than planned. 
> 
> If people are interested, I have created accounts on Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter for fanart, manips and edits.  
> My username is on all 3: j2lovemoose :)  
> https://j2lovemoose.tumblr.com/  
> https://www.instagram.com/j2.lovemoose/?hl=de  
> https://twitter.com/j2lovemoose

**Tumblr and Insta will have normal stuff like these:**

**On Twitter you can find the NSFW things...stuff like this....just more nude *coughs***   


**But overall it will be, wincest, J2 stuff, and content for the upcoming new projects of the boys!**

**Okay enough of self-promotion. Let´s go straight to for what you are here for.....**

No man in the world could quell the pain in Jensen, the demons that were firmly anchored in his head like spikes, formed from memories. And yet he was there and kept on fighting, the grizzly, carefully carrying his little feather into the cosy warm cabin. Gently he laid him down on the actually much too big bed, because half of it was never used, it remained cold. Started to undress him and peel soggy Jeans from his legs.

Jared looked at him for a moment, that angelic face whose tears fell silent when he had to break his promise. "I'm so incredibly sorry," he stroked the blond boy's porcelain-like face tenderly with his big hand. "Forgive me," he sighed softly and gave him a tender kiss on his blond mop of hair before he rose and went out gloomily.

After the water was hot enough, the tub filled slowly and Jared lifted the stripped body onto his strong arms and dipped him into the warming water. Carefully he held his head in the crook of his arm and took the sponge in his other hand. Even now Jared was afraid of hurting him, maybe even this sponge was too hard for Jensen's soft skin.

The soapy water ran over Jensen's skin like river of tears. The sponge touched the youthful body, touching the scars, and Jared wished he could wash them away, just wipe them out. He was too lazy to give up now, it would be too soon and he hoped Jensen wouldn't give up either. The little feather was a piece of heaven for him, he flooded the cabin with the warmth of the sun. He turned it into a golden room, so bright that it dazzled him.

Even the black of the night drove his boy away. Even if there was no star to be seen, nothing and no one could take the shine from his little feather. He held him carefully, he would not let him sink.

"I'd like to tell you that everything will be all right, but I can't, I`d have to lie again. Life is an asshole, you know? Whenever you think it could stay that way, the fate of this dirty bastard comes and takes everything you love. The streets are cold and God may forgive you your sins, but the devil never forgets. I don't count my problems and worries anymore because it makes no sense, I would never come to an end. Today was a bad day, but maybe also a good one, because nobody knows what tomorrow will be. Don't let anyone ever tell you that everything will be fine, only people who like to lie to themselves say that. You know what you have to do? Your whole fucking life? Fight Jensen! When you wake up in the morning, go out, breathe the dew of leaves and keep your guard up before life hits you. You have to fight for yourself every day, every step you take. Only then do you see the good days, because the bad ones can't touch you anymore," Jared told the sleeping boy what life had taught him and kept the sponge circling over him.

The lieutenant looked up as the wolf howled, the Amarok, the legend. He too was a legend, a legend he never wanted to be. Every scar on his body told about it and the dead visited him every night in his dreams and called his name. But time had changed him, he didn't want to go to him anymore, he didn't want to search for death anymore, but pursued life, like a stalker he clung to it more and more. There was no law to stop him, no one could stop him and he did so for one reason only...Jensen.

The water slowly got cooler and Jared took the big green-brown striped towel whose colors had already faded. It was big enough for him, but Jensen almost disappeared in it. He wrapped him in it and carried him back to bed like a small package.

He put another log, a last one for the night, in the open fireplace before taking his medicine, putting the pill on his tongue and sending it on another journey with the whiskey. He did not want to wake up this night bathed in sweat, he just wanted to sleep quietly next to his little feather, without the dead.

Tenderly, he put his strong arm around Jensen and embraced him, pulled him to himself and looked at him, warmed him at his side. The howling of the wolf lay in his ears. His gray fur was bitten to pieces, like Jared's skin, and yet it still kept him warm. His eyes were dull, but his teeth were sharp like an obsidian blade. On hard concrete he sharpened his claws, maybe that was the reason why Jared lived up here. Here everything was peaceful, like in another world. No one to ask him questions, no one to give him orders. Here he stayed as he was, no asphalt, no noise.

He ran his fingers over Jensen's back and felt the hardened scars. This boy in his arms had long since become the center of his life. He had taken him into his pack, a pack that consisted only of the dead, and Jensen brought him back a piece of life. He was his cub, he took care of him, he taught him things he should have learned years ago. He was just there for him. What they had was deeper than these scars and wounds they carried.

Again and again he took a sip of whiskey that slowly numbed him along with the pill. That night he slept soundly and did not notice that Jensen opened his green eyes towards morning when the sun was just rising. His long eyelashes fluttered like flaps of his wings until his vision became clearer, clearer on yesterday.

Ashamed, he looked at the grizzly that held him down. He smelled the alcohol that came out of Jared's throat with every breath he took and hit him. Everything that happened yesterday came back to him and the more he remembered, the more ashamed the teenager was. He had disappointed him, he had done bad things, things a boy did not do.

He felt as worthless as the first day he found his home here. Jensen quietly slipped out of Jared's arms and went to the part of the bed that was still untouched. He looked down at himself and closed his eyes briefly, embarrassed. His naked body told him what had happened without being asked. He felt the blows, just like when he wet himself. It had been so long ago now, this time he wanted to forget and yet it was still a part of him.

The grizzly had shown him how the sky touches the sea and now he had disappointed him so much. This was worse than the pain of the beating he felt without mercy. His heart hurt more than ever before.

Jared turned his bulky body around and opened his hazel eyes that hit Jensen like lightning. He was the most beautiful thing that anyone could see, his boy.

"Hey!" the lieutenant rubbed his flat hand across his sleepy face and sat up. "Are you okay? Are you in pain," he asked the young man, who was sitting crouched at the other end of the bed.

Jensen's head remained lowered, looking into the void, and his words remained silent.

Jared bit his lower lip slightly and nodded, "I know, it's okay," he knocked the blanket away and stood up. His fingers brushed back the long hair as he picked up the empty whiskey bottle from the floor and took it over to the kitchen counter.

"I'll...I'll make you cornflakes, you like them," he took everything from the old wooden cupboard. What else could he have said? Jensen seemed to have lost faith in him and Jared couldn't blame him. What he had feared yesterday became reality today.

His skull buzzed and his stomach felt off, which was not surprising after half a bottle of whiskey. But for Jared this had already become everyday life and he treated himself to two aspirin. It was funny when you thought about what he was doing here. As if taking one pill after the other to wipe out the effects of the previous one would do any good.

Jensen took fresh clothes from the wooden shelf and dressed with a queasy feeling. He was so ashamed, nothing was worse than disappointing the grizzly and he was afraid, once again. Fear that he did not want him anymore, that he would give him away. To someone else, as it always was when one was sick and tired of him.

The lieutenant put the cereal bowl down on the table, "I'm going to get some more wood in," he looked briefly at Jensen before closing the door behind him and taking a deep breath. Fog came out of his lungs, marked by doubts and self-reproach. The morning was cold and the sun's rays lay down like gold on the dew that stuck to the leaves and grasses. He just didn't know what to do and wondered if he was really able to help this kid.

Jensen looked at the table and sighed. He wasn't hungry, he wasn't worth the Lieutenant's care. He felt like a huge stone stuck to Jared's feet, heavy and weighing him down. He did not want to get up and just stayed where he was, at the other end of the bed. Like a snowflake on cold days that clung to roofs, he clung to the blanket and held on to it. The blows of the axe echoed into the cabin like an echo that never returned.

Jared, on the other hand, tried to smash his frustration with himself and let out his anger and despair on the wood. His insides bubbled and his heart raced, his thoughts turned over and he cursed inside because the axe was dull.

"Fuck man," he threw the axe furiously to the ground and reached for the grindstone. Disgruntled, he sat down on the chopping block and put the axe down onto his lap. The stone hissed like a snake over the steel edge. Too much went through his head, things he would never have thought about a year ago, and through his carelessness he suddenly slipped off with the stone in his hand. Jared was startled and woke up out of his cloudy mind as the now sharp blade silently passed through his skin. A gaping wound in his right palm was the result. The blood dripped slowly like pearls of water on the ground, "goddam shit!" he growled. The cut wasn´t that deep, but deep enough, he couldn´t ignore it. Grumbling and pissed he walked back into the cabin.

With a jerk he angrily opened the door and Jensen flinched. He made himself small and watched the grizzly skeptically.

Jared stopped at the table and saw the cornflakes, which where now mushy. For a moment he looked over at the teenager, "okay?! Then don't," he took the bowl directly with him and slammed it on the counter, grabbed a kitchen towel and pressed it over the wound.

The blond man was stressed, he sensed that the lieutenant was angry with him and whispered, "I'm sorry sir!"

Jared opened the cabinet and muttered, "now you apologize because you're not hungry! Stop it, damn it!". His nerves were shot and he didn't realize that he was taking his anger out on the boy. He took out the first aid kit and threw it on the table. Only now did Jensen see the blood eating through the kitchen paper on Jared's hand.

Panic overcame him, blood was never a good thing, especially not when the grizzly lost some. Was it the beginning of a new time travel for him, here and now? He didn't want to lose him, ever. He had promised to stay with him until the curtain fell.

The lieutenant rummaged around in the box and cursed, "damn it," he didn't find what he was looking for and dumped all the contents on the table.

"Please don't die! Please sir! I'll never do it again! I swear it sir," Jensen broke out in tears, shaking all over his body. The grizzly was angry and Jensen assumed it was because of what had happened.

Jared stopped his frenzy when Jensen's soft voice sounded and looked at him. "What?! Jensen! Hey! Everything's fine," he hurried over to him and sat down on the bed. His boy fell around his neck in the next second, "I don't want you to die!" he wailed, desperatly clutching onto his grizzly.

Jared a bit suprised over this outcome, put his left hand on Jensen's back, calming him down and stroking in soothing circles, "I'm not going to die, it's just a small wound Jensen. God! You're shaking! It's all right, I'm not going to die from such a small scratch."

The blond boy detached himself from the lieutenant as if in slow motion and looked at him questioningly with dull eyes.

"Don't cry! Look," Jared raised his wounded hand, "it's only a small scratch. I hate it when you cry," he thumped a big tear from a freckled cheek and smiled reassuringly at him. "Look at me! You are not to blame for anything, you did nothing wrong, not yesterday and not now. What was yesterday, what happened, that...I didn't want to break my promise Jensen, believe me! I didn't know what to do, that everything was too much for you and I didn't want to and couldn't watch you suffer any more. I...I can understand if you don't trust me now, I really can," Jared lowered his eyes and Jensen raised his and crooked his head a bit, why did the Lieutenant apologize, he hadn't done anything wrong. He couldn't have done anything wrong. He was Jensen's universe, a perfect world.

"I trust you, sir! Only you! You're not angry with me?" asked the little feather finally.

The lieutenant raised his head and looked into the most beautiful green he knew, "No! No, I'm not angry with you, I...I don't know how to do that," Jay gave him an honest smile that managed to conjure one in Jensen's face. Only the grizzly managed to take all the fears away from the blond boy with just one gesture, as if they had never been there.

"I like you much better this way," the grizzly stroked the adolescent's enchanting face with his big paw.

"I'm going to show you how to take care of a wound like that, okay? Come on," he stood up and went back to the table.

Jensen's felt like a huge rock was lifted from his chest. The lieutenant wasn't a monster, but something very special, thought the little feather and followed him back to the table.

"So watch out! First, clean the blood up so we can see if the wound is large or small. If it's too big, we'll have to sew it up or glue it," Jay reached out his hand to him.

"But...I don't want to hurt you, sir," Jensen explained, blinking at Jared.

"You're not! I promise," the last words were spoken too quickly and Jared already regretted them, for he had said this before.

Jensen took the paw in his small hand and gently wiped away the Lieutenant's blood, "the wound is huuuuuge," he was startled.

Jared laughed, "well, no! It's not that big, it's enough if we disinfect it and bandage it. So! I don't have any disinfectant here, alcohol will do. Look in the cupboard under the sink, there's still a bottle of vodka there," the tall man explained to Jensen, who hurriedly fetched the bottle.

Jensen faltered briefly when he saw the several bottles and pushed the whiskey bottles a little aside to get to the vodka. He hated alcohol, he knew about its effects, people changed and he did not want the lieutenant to change.

"Here Sir!", the little feather handed the bottle to Jared.

"Perfect." Jay took a big sip. "Okay, now just pour some of the vodka over the wound until it is rinsed out. This will hurt, so don't be surprised if I curse or hiss. Then take the cotton pad and dab it dry. Got it?"

Jensen frowned and sighed, but nodded. He would have loved to tell him to stop, but he didn't dare and finally did what the grizzly told him.

"Gggnhhh!", Jay bit his teeth together.

" Sorry!", the teenager said.

Jay laughed, "all is well! So! Now you take this piece of cloth, press it on the wound.....right, now the bandage and wrap it around my hand. We'll do the same again tomorrow and in a few days everything will be healed.

He carefully wrapped the lieutenant's hand and kept looking at him to see if it was right, how he did it, or if he was hurting him.

"Looks good, you have talent," smiled Jay.

Jensen continued to hold Jared's big hand in his small one and gently stroked it. Every bone, every single vein was visible and a few small dark almost black hairs covered his skin. Unconsciously, as if it was the most normal thing in the world, the little feather ran its little fingers over the veins that pumped the blood through the grizzly's body as if on a map. He imagined it was like a trip to the sea, just him and the lieutenant. How they would bury their feet in the sand and Jared would say to him, 'look at the sea' when the sun set on the horizon.

Jensen's touches where like electricity. Those little tender fingers on his warm skin were like a spark that struck him right in the heart. Maybe it was because they fought ghosts and monsters together. It was a love he would never forget, a love that made him an animal. One that would never die. A love that would endanger the lives of anyone who stood in their way. Jensen was his little boy for whom he would kill and lie.

The silence settled over them and only the ticking could be heard again, the ticking of the clock, in the rhythm of their hearts. This wound on Jared's hand that would become another scar, it belonged to them now, it was part of their shared memories.

But Jared had to wake up. They had no time to dream, no time to waste, and he woke Jensen with the sound of his voice, "you did well little feather! You can do anything you want, you understand? There is nothing you couldn't do Jensen and yes! sometimes it hurts and not everything is good and makes sense, but standing still or hiding in bed, that doesn't work. You've gained a few pounds, that's good, but you're still very weak and too thin. We should get your body in shape, give it power," Jay punched him gently against the shoulder and laughed slightly.

"Power Sir?", Jensen wondered.

"Yeah! Power! We start small. Take your jacket and put your shoes on, we're going to take a walk, I'll show you the woods and fresh air will do you good," Jared explained and cleared away the bandages and put the box back into the cabinet.

Jensen excitedly put on his shoes and jacket and stood next to Jared who was waiting for him at the door and looked up at him.

"I hope you get some color in your pale face," Jared said.

Jensen grabbed his cheek and wrinkled his forehead, "Color? Which one?" he followed the grizzly and the tracks he left in the snow.

"Red? Yes! Would look good on you," he looked at his little feather and pulled the zipper of his jacket further up so the cold wind didn't stand a chance.

Jensen looked up at him with those huge doe eyes and Jay grinned, "actually I think your pale skin is quite pretty because of the freckles, they are cute. Those there...", he tapped him on the tip of his nose, "that's the most beautiful. Jensen scrunched his nose up as Jared touched it briefly and squinted at the tip of it.

The lieutenant laughed out loud and continued, "let´s go kiddo! Time doesn't stop just because you have your eyes crossed!"

That day was everything but ordinary. It was just really chilly. It was the silence of the feelings that went through them. Both thought their hearts would overflow with unique moments and for Jensen it was like magic and enchantment, this forest, the grizzly with the dragon blood that brought him through everything. There were no boundaries, no walls for him, it all seemed so simple by his side. He wanted to be like him, he wanted to live like him, he wanted to be with him every second.


End file.
